


Stained Coffee Cup

by fuckinglouist



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: And Louis helps himself feel better, Coffee Shop, Happy Ending, Harry makes it better, It's a little sad but it gets better, Kind of a slow build, Lots of clubbing and dancing and pints, Lots of platonic Zouis love, M/M, Niall is lovely and protective as well, No Control smut, Riding, Sad!Louis, Self-Esteem Issues, Side Ziam is always cute, Size Difference, So very sappy sorry, at least a bit, blowjob, learning to love yourself, light teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-06 10:51:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3131816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckinglouist/pseuds/fuckinglouist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"No one he’s ever hooked up with, if this can even qualify as a hook up, has ever asked him that. Or looked at him like that."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Or the one where Louis has self esteem issues and tries to make it better by sucking as much cock he can get a hold of. He meets a certain someone who helps him realise just how valuable he really is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stained Coffee Cup

**Author's Note:**

> So this started out just as some smutty Louis worship, after I saw their performance of Night Changes in Orlando, because Harry just looked so ready to go down on his knees for Louis and suck his cock, but then it turned into this whole sad thing, which probably became a bit too personal and I feel kinda strongly about it.  
> And then there is some No Control inspired smut, because all I hear in that song is Harry and Louis fucking. And the title is obviously taken from there as well. 
> 
> I should maybe put in a bit of a warning. Louis feels someone is touching him too much and getting too close and he gets scared, but he gets away and all is good and it gets taken care of, but if you feel that it triggers you then don't worry, the story isn't THAT good just skip it, or message me on [tumblr](http://fuckinglouist.tumblr.com), and I'll explain everything if you just want to skip that part. It's fairly short.
> 
> The [tumblr post](http://fuckinglouist.tumblr.com/post/114443236260/title-stained-coffee-cup-author-fuckinglouist) for this fic.

 

"We need more pints!" Niall shouts over the pumping bass and bounces off towards the bar. 

Zayn is left alone in their booth, looking out over the cramped dancefloor.

He lights up a cigarette, even though it’s technically not allowed, but he needs it. No one’s gonna notice anyway.

He scans the crowd, searching for, well, anyone who catches his attention. He’s like that. He enjoys watching people, looking at their faces, how they move and interact with each other. He enjoys it far more than actually interacting with them.

Just watching from afar, making up little stories about them, wondering what their lives are like. And what they’re like.

He’s been like that all his life, and even though the boys tease him sometimes it doesn’t really matter. He knows they love him.

And by now he knows people. He knows how people act and knows what to look for. He can read people, tell how they’re feeling a mile away. And in clubs it’s especially easy.

There are the typical groups of girls in heels and short dresses, dancing closely to each other, just out, having a laugh with their girlfriends. They’re laughing, yelling along to the lyrics, screaming at each other; "Oh my god Sophie, it's our song!" or "That guy is totally checking you out." Giggling and dancing, singing along to the popular songs.

They’re nice to admire from afar. Zayn's always liked girls, how they look, dress and smell. But never more than looking. 

Then there are the groups of lads. Real laddy lads. Standing in a big hustle, kinda dancing, moving their feet, shoulders bumping, checking out girls and bro-ing out. Laughing at the ’bad’ music but knowing every single word anyways. High-fiving and fistbumping if they pull a hot chick.

Zayn likes them too. Mostly. They’re just a bit too much with their clumsy attempts at attracting girls, or just too manly to really fit on the dancefloor. Too self conscious about their moves. Shouting too loudly. 

But, still, muscly arms and bearded jaws are always nice to look at.

Then there are the weird outsidery types. The ones who sorta fit in, but not really. There’s just something off about them.

Like maybe their dancemoves are a bit too awkward, or a bit too over the top. Or they’re totally by themselves, trying to dance next to a group, trying to be part of it. Or just being pushed slightly towards the edges of the dance floor. 

Those who hasn’t really had enough to drink yet, or who's had way too much already. 

Those types are pretty fun to watch, but sometimes they’re embarrassing themselves so much that it’s almost hard to look at. 

And then there are people like Louis. 

Louis is, well, Louis. 

He doesn’t really fit into any of the categories. He doesn’t act like the girls, not like the laddy lads, and he’s not really an outsider. 

He’s more like a very loud (and usually very drunk) ball of energy bouncing in between all the groups. Not really caring, just dancing, laughing, and pumping up everyone else's energy.

He’s like that. 

He fits in with everyone, that’s the thing. He doesn’t fit in a single group per se, because he’s simply everything all at once. He’s giggly and adorable, cheeky and challenging, screaming and yelling along to his favourite songs, doing weird dance moves, circling the entire dance floor with everyone's eyes pinned on him. 

That's what he is; the centre of attention. 

Everyone loves him. He’s always a laugh on a night out, he’s a regular at most clubs and never has to buy his own drink if he doesn’t want to. There’s always someone willing to make room for him in their booth, always a pair of hands and hips ready for him on the dancefloor. 

Zayn admires him the most. And likes to watch him the most. 

They'd been friends for as long as Zayn can remember, living on the same street, growing up together, same classes, same football team. 

Zayn understands perfectly why everyone’s so charmed by Louis. No one can say no to those clear blue eyes, with the crinkles around the corners. No one can refuse those small nimble hands, or those curvy hips and shapely legs. No one stands a chance against Louis’ pearly laugh or his fierce voice. It blocks out everything else. 

When Louis speaks, people pay attention.

He’s assertive. He’s commanding. He knows how to work people, knows how to get under their skin, to make them worship him, do what he wants. 

He has an effortless grace and charm about him, and it’s baffling. He can get away with anything. If you ever get in trouble, Louis is the one to have on your team, he can sweet talk his way out of anything.  

Now the thing is that even though Zayn’s watching Louis dance around, chatting, laughing brightly with his pearlies on display, everything seemingly great and dandy, he knows better. 

He knows Louis. The little things.

He knows his tells, the smallest move of a hand, quirk of an eyebrow or curl of an upper lip. 

When everything isn't as fun as it seems. When he isn't nearly as energetic as he acts. When his laugh isn't quite as genuine. When his uninhibited dance moves are in fact strained and forced. 

He knows when Louis is faking it.

And he’s definitely faking it right now. 

He'd been dancing close up against a few people. They'd all gathered around him, and even when faking Louis knows how to work a crowd. 

No one else notices.

No one notices when Louis' face falls, eyes humourless and sad, just for a second, a blink of an eye, and then he’s right back on track. 

No one notices when someone gets a little too close, and Louis attempts to manoeuver out of their grasp. 

No one notices the endless stream of shots going down his throat, just to be able to endure it a little longer. To keep up appearances until it’s alright to leave. 

Zayn knows Louis is putting on a show for all these people. He knows that most of all Louis is scared and sometimes lonely. He also knows that he can’t help him, not really, and it kills him. Louis never wants to talk about it, very rarely even acknowledges anything being wrong. 

But sometimes Louis just needs someone close, needs silence and comfort, needs safety and warmth. Zayn always provides in whatever way he can. Even thoughs it’s not enough. Not really what Louis needs.

Louis sometimes comes knocking on Zayn’s door late at night, snuggles up close on the bed. He just lies there, breathes deeply with his eyes closed and falls asleep, frown slowly easing from his brow.

And Zayn knows it’s not enough, it never is, no matter how hard he wishes he could help Louis. He just can’t. He knows Louis needs something else, something more. Something Zayn can’t give him.

But Louis is just not ready to admit it to himself. 

 

Louis is exhausted. 

It’s been a long night already even though it’s not that late. 

He'd been dancing with a few people, just having fun and cracking jokes, when suddenly a blond guy with broad shoulders snug in a white v neck, and very white teeth had slid up behind to him. He'd grabbed Louis’ hips, and moved in close. 

Louis just kept dancing, because that was what he did. 

They'd danced and grinded against each other for a couple of songs. The guy’d been whispering in Louis' ear, moving in close, hands all over Louis’ body. Until the guy'd grabbed Louis' hand and dragged him off, and Louis had blown him in the bathrooms. 

Because that was just what he did. 

What he does.

Who he is.

He’s the fun one. The guy to be with on a night out, but never the day after. 

People always leave him. They never have any real interest in him. They just want a warm body and a willing mouth.

It’s not that they’re assholes per se. The guy had returned the favour, and made sure it was good for Louis. But then, nothing more.

It was good, fine and somewhat satisfying. And that was it. 

The guy had patted Louis on the shoulder, smiled awkwardly and left Louis in the bathroom by himself.

Actually it'd been nice compared to other situations, but Louis tries not to think about those nights too much. 

When he'd be dragging himself home from god knows where in the middle of night, because the guy didn't want him to sleep over, when it got too awkward. Or worse, the guy wouldn't want to get caught by his girlfriend.

It always seems like Louis gets himself into all these situations, and he doesn’t really know how it happens. 

Well, he’s always a tease on the dancefloor. Flirting in every direction, mouthing off, challenging. He enjoys riling up the guys, making them question themselves. Make himself their exception. 

To go down on his knees for someone, who so obviously wants him. Someone who sets aside their entire life, just to get sucked off of by him in a bathroom, if only for one night.

It makes him feel powerful.  

But the day after is always lonely. 

So very lonely. 

It leaves him feeling empty and used, even if he’d initiated it in the first place. And he knows it’s ridiculous. Because who would ever get upset over getting a no-strings-attached blowjob? Having guys all over you almost every night? Having people who wants you?

He doesn’t want to think about it. Why he _is_ upset about it. Why it does get to him. Why it leaves him feeling so empty. This void he just can’t seem to feel no matter what he does.  

 

It’s a nice and quiet Saturday in the flat, Niall’s putting on a FIFA tournament and Louis is completely kicking his arse, and he is rewarded with a pillow squished in his face. Zayn’s sketching at the kitchen table and it’s lovely.

Louis loves these boys and it’s always relaxing to just be together, just hang out.

Later they all decide to go out, find some of their mates from their classes and just have a good time. Enjoy the few last days before term starts up again.

Louis makes sure to wear some of his tightest jeans and a white t-shirt he knows gets the crowd going. Deep scoop neck, showing off his collarbones nicely.

Niall whistles as they get ready to leave, and Louis blows a kiss in his direction.

”Boy, you’ll be slayin’ ’em tonight,” he says brightly, Louis smiles and does a little twirl and they high-five.

Louis likes this.

It’s nice with the boys. Easy. Not like with other people. They don’t want anything from him. He knows they’re here for _him_ , not his mouth. And he appreciates them so much. The boys get him. They understand. Or at least, somewhat.

When they get to the club it’s packed and filled with people from school, some from their own classes, some they don’t know.

They get let in fairly quickly as Niall knows the bouncer. Of course he does. Niall shakes his hand on the way in, promises to bring him out a beer at some point. Zayn and Louis share a look and roll their eyes.

Niall is always like that. Making friends everywhere. But it’s nice. Really is. That’s how he’d ended up living with Louis and Zayn in the first place, and Louis is grateful.

”C’mon let’s find a booth before it get too crowded,” Niall says loudly over the already pumping music, and Zayn points to a booth somewhere in the back that only has one person sitting in it. They don’t mind meeting new people, so they make their way through the club.

When they reach the booth, the guy sitting there smiles a little curiously at them, but it’s still pleasant. Louis thinks he looks nice. Brown eyes, full lips, wearing a red flannel over a white vest. He nursing a half empty beer and plays with the label.

Louis bumps Zayn’s ribs and wiggles his eyebrows. Zayn rolls his eyes for the millionth time tonight it seems but Louis just squishes a hand in his face.

”Just the guy for you,” he winks and reaches across the booth to introduce himself.

”Hi, I’m Louis and this is Zayn, talk to him, I’m sorry but I’m really busy and I gotta go, bye!” he says swiftly all in one breath, does a little wave and bounces off towards the bar.

He hears Zayn growl under his breath, and Louis can practically _feel_ the eyeroll.

Louis laughs evilly to himself. He loves playing matchmaker for Zayn. Zayn loves it. He just doesn’t know it yet. Well, someday Louis will succeed and Zayn will be eternally in grateful.

Until that happens, Louis plans on getting drunk. A lot.

He spots Niall at the bar, already chatting to a pair of girls, beer in hand and leaning on the counter.

Louis makes his way over, deciding to meddle a bit more. They signed up for this when they decided to live with him, he reasons. It’s not his fault they need guidance.

”Louis!” Niall says brightly and holds out his arm for Louis to crowd up against his side.

Louis moves in next to him, grabs Niall’s jaw with his thumb and index finger and turns Niall’s face further towards the girls.

”Isn’t he just gorgeous?” he says and wiggles Niall’s chin. He laughs and the girls giggle. One of them is hiding behind their hand, the other nods and sends Niall what Louis assumes is some kind of invitation with her eyes.

”The finest piece of Irish I’ve ever encountered,” he continues, plan set to at least find his boys a decent person to spend the night with, even if he can’t find one of his own.

”I’d have been all over him ages ago if I hadn’t been so fond of him, really,” he continues casually. Niall laughs loudly, and so does the girls and Louis thinks his mission is complete. Niall can handle the rest.

”Now, buy me a drink, Ni, or I’ll tell these lovely ladies all about how you really got _that scar_ ,” he faux whispers the last part behind his hand, and they all laugh again.

Niall is holding his stomach with laughter, spills a bit of his beer on the floor, and in the end leans over the counter and gets a beer for Louis as well.

”Thanks babe,” Louis says, and bashes his eyelashes flirtily.

He takes a sips, before slapping Niall’s bum and walking back towards their booth in the back.

”I better not see you home too early,” he says over his shoulder followed by another loud laugh.

He hears Niall tell the girls all about how ”’’s my flatmate, he’s the best,” and counts it another victory.

He’s feeling good. Comfortable.

He spots Zayn sitting in their booth, leaning in close to Brown Eyes, clearly having some kind of very important conversation, and Louis decides it’s a good time to butt in and announce his arrival.

”Hello lads,” he chirps and plops down on the seat across from them, clearly startling the poor Brown Eyes.

Zayn just gives him a look, and Louis simply smiles brighter.

”I never caught your name,” he says after a very complicated conversation with Zayn’s eyebrows.

Zayn leans back, stealthily placing his arm on the back of the seats in the booth. Good boy. Louis winks at him, ridiculous and over the top, and Zayn rolls his eyes. Again. Though very fondly of course.

”I’m Liam,” Brown Eyes says, extending his hand for Louis to shake. Oh he’s one of those then. Ok.

Big hands, Louis notes. Zayn’s always so fucking lucky.

”Nice to meet you,” Louis is trying to be nice, because Zayn is probably gonna slap him later if he’s not. And probably never let him sleep in his bed or make him tea again. So. Louis is being nice.

”You too,” he smiles his most pleasant smile.

”Zayn was just telling me about how you all live together?” he says, and Louis kinda likes how his eyes automatically go to the left where Zayn’s sitting, seeking confirmation.

”Yeah, we do. All loved up, we are,” he says cheekily, loving the confused expression on Brown Eyed Liam’s face.

He looks to Zayn again, for real this time, who simply shakes his head and chuckles a bit. Liam leans into him a bit, like he’s relieved and then Zayn is staring and Liam’s staring back, and honestly it’s a bit gross so Louis quickly says his goodbyes. Clearly there is no need for him here.

He goes back up to the bar.

Time to get back to his original plan. Get drunk. Asap.

Niall has disappeared in the meantime, and a lot of people he doesn’t know are crowding the counter. He just stands there for a bit, cursing the day his legs stopped growing, until someone thrusts a shot of tequila into his hand, and an muscly arm wraps around his shoulders.

”C’mon,” a voice says, ”someone as pretty as you should never stand there all by himself.”

Louis supposes not, and they both down the shot, vincing a bit at the taste. It’s the cheap kind, but Louis doesn’t really mind. If it’s alcohol, he’s in.

He downs a few more shots with the guy. He doesn’t catch his name when he introduces himself, and he doesn’t ask for Louis’. It doesn’t really matter.

After a healthy amount of glasses have been emptied down Louis’ throat and the guy has moved a bit closer and wrapped his arms a bit tighter around Louis, they start to make their way away from the bar and towards the dancefloor.

Louis finds himself in the middle of it, music pumping, some remix of one of the popular songs of the summer, with the guy plastered to his back.

He leans in close to whisper in Louis’ ear.

”Wanna feel that arse of yours up close,” he growls, emphasizing his words with a thrust of his hips. He smells of tequila and bit like sweat, but it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t.

Louis just moves along, as the guy keeps grinding against him. He’s grunting in Louis’ ear, and Louis moves his hips how he knows guys usually like it. Throws his head back a bit onto his shoulder to let him think he’s into it.

He probably is, anyway.

He can’t really tell at this point.

And it doesn’t matter, any of it, really.

It is just a regular night out, after all, and he’s a bit drunk and there’s a guy touching him and all is fine.

After a bit more dancing, the guy’s grinding gets dirtier.

He’s moving his hands on Louis’ thighs, keeping him locked in place against his groin. Louis feels stuck, like he couldn’t get away if he wanted, and it doesn’t feel right.

It doesn’t feel right at all, with the guy breathing hard down his neck, his lips dragging along Louis’ skin.

His skin prickles and not in the good way. He feels trapped, like he can’t breathe. His heart is beating rapidly, he doesn’t know what to do.

If he should even do anything.

The guy moves in even closer and grinds his hard cock against Louis’ arse, hard and over and over. One of his arms is locked across Louis’ chest and he feels the least turned on he ever has. He needs to get away but he can’t.

The guy moves his hand down towards Louis’ cock, edges along Louis’ waistband, but just as he’s about to dip his fingers in, he jumps back.

A girl is screaming in his face, hitting at his chest and Louis can’t hear much over the pounding music, but it sounds a lot like something alone the lines of ”You cheating bastard, are you gonna fuck _that_? Instead of me?!”

The guys disappears with the screaming girl following him and Louis feels awful.

Truly awful.

He feels sick, like he’s actually gonna throw up right here on the sticky dancefloor, and no one has noticed.

No one saw what went down. No one was paying attention to them, and Louis feels terrible. He feels dirty.

He doesn’t know what to do. He is such a worthless piece of shit, this guy was just trying to get with him and now he’s getting screamed at by his probably crazy girlfriend. And Louis didn’t even appreciate the attention he got, and now it’s gone.

He’s scraping at his skin, it feels all wrong.

Dirty. Used.

He just wants to go home.

Just. Home.

He runs out from the dancefloor, bumping into a few people, someone’s shouting his name after him.

He just needs to get away.

His jacket. The booth.

He spots Zayn still sitting there, whispering something in Liam’s ear. Liam looks happy and delighted, a bit of a flush to his cheeks, and he can see the edge of Zayn’s squinty smile.

He can’t bother him now. He just can’t.

Not when it seems to be going so well for him.

So he just doesn’t bother with the jacket, and runs for the door.

No one sees him go, and he’s glad. He wouldn’t be able to stand explaining what had happened.

How awful he’d been.

So he just runs for it.

 

Zayn finds him the next morning.

He is wrapped up in his comforter, forgotten cup of cold tea on his nightstand, clothes strewn all over the floor.

Only a tuft of hair can be seen from outside his little cocoon.

Zayn drapes Louis’ jacket from the night before across the desk chair, and moves towards Louis on the bed and settles down next to him.

He’s still wearing the same clothes as last night and his hair in instyled and floppy. He most likely hasn’t been home since yesterday.

Louis had showered twice after he’d gotten home from the club, wanting every last bit of sweat and tequila, every trace of the guy from the club washed off his skin.

He couldn’t stand thinking about it.

How trapped he’d felt, like he really couldn’t have gotten away.

He dares not think about what could have happened if the girl hadn’t shown up when she did.

Would he have been able to tell the guy he didn’t want it? Or would he just have played along like he always did?

This time had seemed different. Different from the usual hook ups.

Usually he was at least somewhat into it, the thought of getting to suck cock always appealing, of having wanting eyes tracing his every move, but no. Last night had been different. And not the good kind of different.

He’d actually been scared. So scared. And he doesn’t know how to cope with it.

”Lou,” Zayn’s voice is soft, and he’s gently stroking gently Louis’ back through the fabric of the comforter.

”Please talk to me,” he says gently.

Louis sniffles. He hadn’t even noticed the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. He squishes them hard together, to make it go away. Make it all go away.

”No,” he says weakly and sniffles again. He just can’t.

”Louis,” Zayn says, his voice so soft and Louis wants to wrap himself in it instead of this stupid comforter. It’d be much warmer.

Louis shakes his head under the comforter, rustling the white thick fabric.

”Niall saw what happened,” Zayn says gently after a few beats of silence, still stroking Louis’ back. Louis’ breath gets caught in his throat.

”He saw that guy being all over you, and heard that girl yelling and noticed you standing in the middle of it, but you were gone before he could get to you,” he explains.

”Lou, I’m so sorry,” his voice is quiet, sounds almost guilty.

He sounds so sad. Louis doesn’t ever want Zayn to be sad.

When Louis still doesn’t respond, Zayn crawls underneath the comforter.

It’s dark and warm, a bit moist from their breath. He can just make out Zayn’s floppy hair and big eyes.

He wraps his arms around Louis and holds him close.

He can’t hold back the tears anymore, running all the way down his cheeks, down his chin and wets his throat. He sobs quietly, and Zayn just holds him and gently shushes him.

”It’s alright,” he says into Louis’ hair.

They’re rocking back and forth slightly, Zayn just holding him. Louis feels a sob in his throat. He doesn’t deserve this kindness.

”It wasn’t your fault. The guy was a dick,” Zayn kisses the top of Louis’ head. He has a hard time believing him, because how could it not be his fault?

He’s the one who let it happen. And he’s the one who couldn’t say no. Who didn’t stop it in time.

”I was so scared,” he says after a bit of silence. His voice is small, so small and frail. Zayn holds him closer, whispers and endless stream of ”wasn’t your fault, Lou,” in his ear.

”I couldn’t get away,” he sobs out, his breath getting laboured, chest heaving.

He can’t breathe.

”I couldn’t get away and he was holding me,” he’s hyperventilating, can’t breathe, can’t get away, he’s stuck.

Zayn quickly gets up on his kneews, removes the comforter from their heads, pulls Louis with him and holds him steady at his shoulders.

”Lou, Louis, look at me,” he pleads. His eyes are huge, and he’s scared. So scared, because this is not good. This is not good at all.

”Louis, listen to me,” his eyes are trying to find Louis’, but they’re filled with tears and Louis’ babbling, a mess of words and pants and tears.

Zayn finds himself tearing up as well at the sight of his best friend, so scared and fragile.

”Louis,” he says after clearing his throat, voice a bit more sturdy. He grabs Louis’ shoulders, but not hard.

”Louis, hey, hey, look at me,” he says, trying to catch Louis’ gaze.

”It was not your fault,” he says seriously enunciating every word, brown eyes firmly staring into Louis’ blue ones.

”He is a dick for what he did, he should have let you go, should have noticed that you didn’t want it and none of it was your fault. Do not blame yourself for this,” Louis’ getting a bit more calm.

”Listen, none of this was your fault. He shouldn’t have acted that way with you, no one has the right to treat you like that,” Louis is only just sniffling now, tears silently rolling down his cheekbones.

”No one,” Zayn says again, and hugs Louis so tight, he might not ever let go.

”You’re worth so much more,” he says quietly, and Louis’ breath hitches, a tiny sob escaping his lips.

”Love you so much, Lou,” Zayn says and kisses the top of Louis’ head again.

Louis calms down a bit more but he feels so tired, his throat hoarse, and they climb back down under the comforter and cuddles up close.

They end up falling asleep, and at some point Louis hears Niall come in, and he lies down on the other side of Louis, so he’s wrapped up between his two very best friends. He loves them so much, and he’s not sure what he has ever done to deserve such wonderful people in his life.

 

A few weeks later Louis feels better.

They haven’t really gone out much, partly because Louis feels a bit sick even at the thought of a sticky dancefloor, partly due to the fact that all their classes have started back up again.

It helps take Louis’ mind off things. Things he doesn’t really want to think about. Things like why he didn’t just stop that guy, why he was so desperate, why he let it get that far.

His classes take up most of the day, assignments and reading stacking up on his desk. He promised his mum he would take this term more seriously. After all school was the reason he left home in the first place.

He still feels a bit guilty when he thinks of her back home, with all the girls. Without him, and without their father.

He’s gone a bit more permanently, though. Another thing Louis really doesn’t like to think about.

But she’d been so proud when he’d gotten accepted at the school, and wanted him to take his education seriously, and had not allowed him to stay back home when an opportunity like this presented itself.

And then Zayn had been accepted at the same place, and they’d moved down to London together, found Niall and the flat and lived happily ever since.

He should probably call her soon. It’s been a while since they last spoke.

And he knows why.

He’s dreading what would slip from his lips if he spoke to her. If he heard her warm voice, there was no way he could stop the words from slipping out. And he didn’t want her to worry. Didn’t want her to know what had happened at the club.

Because he was fine. Just fine. It was just a little _thing_ that had happened and things happen, right?

He's fine.

But as soon as he hears her tinny ”Oh Louis, it’s been so long, my darling boy,” through the phone’s tiny speaker he knows. He knows it’s not fine.

He knows he’s not fine at all.

And he’s right. All the words. Everything he’d tried to keep in for the last few weeks comes pouring out, mixed in with tears and he’s a mess. Such a mess.

”Oh baby,” she said softly, and Louis feels caressed alone by the soft tone of her voice.

That gentle voice he knows so well, who has comforted him more than any other.

Louis tries explaining everything as honestly as possible, but it’s difficult having to admit to his mother how many dirty bathroom tiles his knees had been pressed against or how many straight guys’ cocks he’s had down his throat, but his mum never says a word, only hums gently as he swiftly explains those parts.

”My sweet baby boy, I’m so sorry,” she says after he’s finished.

”I’m so sorry to hear this, Louis.”

There’s a lump forming in his throat from trying not to cry, but he had to tell her everything. He couldn’t keep it in any longer.

”I love you so much, Louis, you know that right?” she says gently, voice soothing his bleeding wounds.

”I know mum,” he says quietly.

”I love you too,” he adds, voice quivering only the slightest bit.

”And I’m sorry I’m not visiting more often. I miss you and the girls so much,” his voice quiet and sad at the sounds of his sisters mulling about in the background.

”We know you’re busy love, it’s alright. We miss you too, though, lots and lots. You’re all the twins ever talk about. They’re so proud of their big brother, living in the big city,” she says, smile evident through her words, and Louis finds a fond smile growing on his own lips as well, feeling like a burden has been lifted off his shoulders.

He can just imagine the small blonde girls bragging in school, all proud and bright-eyed. Just like he’d looked when they’d been born.

”You wanna say hello? They’re here, dying to hear your voice,” she says next, and Louis’ smile grows even wider when she passes the phone and their small voices travel through the tinny speaker and fills his heart with joy.

”Hi Louis!” they shout in unison.

”Hello girls, how are ya’?” he says fondly, quickly slipping back into that thick Yorkshire accent.

They tell him all about school, and how Phoebe has gotten a pink piece of string braided into her hair, and how Daisy is jealous because she wanted the pink one, but there was only purple left, and Phoebe says that they could just colour it with a marker, and then they go off on a tangent about one of their teddybears who’ve apparently fallen in love with a unicorn, and Louis hears his mother laugh, and he misses them so much.

It’s so comforting hearing their voices, getting a little piece of their world in the middle of his own mess. It makes him feel normal. Feel human. Like everything isn’t as shite as it feels.

There is still some innocence in the world, and he feels so lucky to be part of these small girls’ lives and he wants to see them so badly.

After their chatter dies down he promises he’ll come visit soon, when there’s a break from school, and his mother gets back on the phone.

She makes him promise to call more, and says she loves him again, and that she’s always there if he needs to talk.

”Love you too, mum. Bye,” he says, and hangs up the phone.

He feels better.

It wasn’t as bad as he’d been dreading, it felt almost cleansing, cathartic. Like maybe he can finally let it go.

Maybe it wasn’t really his fault. Maybe the guy was just a plain dickhead and it had nothing to do with Louis. He tries to convince himself that it’s the truth.

 

”Oouhh, who’re you texting?” Louis teases.

Zayn wraps his fingers protectively around his phone, as Louis pops up behind the couch where he’s sitting.

”No one,” he says innocently trying to hide the screen, but he can’t keep the smile from slipping over his lips. Louis teases, pokes and tickles him mercilessly until he gives up, and admits that it’s Liam, just as Louis was expecting.

”Ha haa!” he says triumphantly.

”I knew it!” he smiles brightly and plops himself down across Zayn’s lap.

”Called it right from the start, didn’t I,” he says proudly, and ruffles Zayn’s hair and mumbles a quick ”good boy.”

Zayn pouts a bit, but can’t keep the smile from slipping over his lips. Louis knows just how fond Zayn is of him, and plants a kiss on his cheek.

”Well, when’s the big day then? I saw how _intimate_ you were already back at the club that time,” he says casually, not saying anymore about _that day_ , but keeps it light and investigative.

Zayn rolls his eyes again, and opens the new text he just received from Liam.

”I guess it has been going quite well,” he says quietly after a beat, smile dragging at his lips, cheeks a little flushed.

”You’re such cuties, you love him already,” Louis sing-songs, and lays down all over Zayn, so he can read the message better.

He spots his own name, along with Niall’s.

”What’s that about?” he asks curiously, and promptly plucks the phone from Zayn’s fingers.

”Lou, you’re such a child,” Zayn says, rolls his eyes, but laughs none the less.

Zayn gets up to get a cup of coffee, and brings back a cup of tea for Louis.

Louis loves Zayn very much in times like these, where Zayn lets him pry in his stuff and brings him tea as a reward. The best way to live.

”Why didn’t you tell me he wants to hang out with us?” Louis asks after a beat. Zayn calmly sips his coffee.

”Well,” he starts slowly, and puts the cup down on the table.

”I didn’t want to, like, bring back any bad memories,” he says, and looks up at Louis seriously.

”He’s just asked if we wanted to go to the club and meet up a few times,” Zayn shrugs, acting like it’s no big deal, when in fact it _is_ a big deal.

Because Louis knows it’s been at least a month since any of them went to the club and he knows it’s because of him.

”We can’t just avoid that place forever, you know,” he reasons.

He takes a sip of his tea, grateful that Zayn knows exactly how he takes it, bless him.

”I think I’d quite like to go, actually,” he finds himself saying after a few sips.

And he finds that he actually means it.

It’s better. He’s not as scared anymore.

Zayn looks up at him, eyes awaiting, like he expects Louis to act out or just do _something_.

”Really?” he asks, looking a bit unsure. Louis doesn’t like when Zayn's unsure.

”Yeah, it’d be nice to get to know Brown Eyes a bit better, since you’re getting married and all,” he says sensibly, and Zayn just laughs. Louis joins in, and tickles him a bit more.

”Lou, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” Zayn says seriously after their laughter has died down.

”We can just have him over here, or I’ll go to his, it’s no biggie,” he says and takes another sip of the coffee with a shrug of his shoulders. The coffee almost spills over the edge.

Louis knows how much Zayn wants to take care of him, make him feel safe and he appreciates it, but he can’t keep hiding forever. He has to face that place at some point. And besides nothing really happened. It wasn’t his fault, and he's learned to take better care of himself now, so why shouldn’t they go? And no one should keep Niall away from his pints for too long.

”I really want to go, Zayn,” he says, eyes genuine.

”And if you don’t want to come I’ll go, and maybe steal Brown Eyes for myself,” his lips split in a wide grin, and Zayn’s follow immediately after a very dramatic eye roll.

”Alright, fine, I’ll text him,” he says and leans in to hug Louis.

It’s good to know your friends’ve got your back.

They all get ready, and plan to meet Liam at the club. He’d get there a bit early to secure them a booth. It’s friday night, the place is gonna be packed.

Louis laughs as Zayn stresses about what to wear, and Niall practises his dancemoves in the living room.

Louis finds a pair of black skinnies, and a white band shirt. He doesn’t bother with the collarbones this time, and besides, this is more comfortable. Though, the jeans are still tight as hell, because who is he to deprive this world of his glorious arse?

He likes this, getting ready and pumped up for a night out with his friends. He’s missed it.

They all laugh and giggle on the way in the cab, and it’s all good spirits when they arrive. The bouncer greets them like old friends, shakes their hands and lets them skip the queue.

Louis had been a bit nervous that some of his fear would return, or maybe that he’d start crying or have a panic attack, or at least _something_ , but he’s not. He’s actually feeling good.

And he waves when he spots Liam in one of the booths, smile bright and squinty when he sees them. He waves them over, and moves in his seat so they can all sit down.

He greets them all with tight hugs, Zayn’s lingers a bit, but everyone pretends they don’t notice. That is until Zayn sits back down, a little pink around the cheeks and Louis elbows his ribs.

”So when’s the big day?” he repeats the question from the day before, only directs it at Liam this time.

Zayn looks at him with widened panicked eyes, but Liam just laughs and looks at Zayn, eyes squinting into little half moons, and Louis is proud of himself and leaves them be.

”Niall, come help me grab some pints,” he says swiftly, and gestures for Niall to follow. He goes eagerly.

Niall has missed going out, but he would never tell Louis, because he is more important, and he’d never go without him.

They bounce happily and hug as they await their drinks from the bartender.

They grab a few pints each, the bartender grabbing a few as well to help them over to their booth. He puts them on the table in front of Liam and Zayn, who’re laughing loudly at something, a joke Liam cracked Louis guesses from his proud and flushed expression.

He sits down next to Niall opposite the two, and grabs his drink. They all say ”cheers” and takes a big gulp.

Louis’ feeling good. He really is. Calm, pleasant.

The atmosphere is great and people are having a good time. He’s here with his two best friends, and Liam who he thinks will be an easy addition to their little group. The beer is cold in his hand, and his smile is wide and genuine.

After a few more drinks he and Niall make their way onto the dancefloor.

His heart beats a bit quicker, but as they reach the centre one of his favourite songs starts playing and his smile is bright and Niall is laughing right beside him, and it’s okay. It’s actually perfectly fine, and they dance and have a great time.

Suddenly someone dances up next to him. Fairly close.

He turns around and sees some stubble, a black tight long sleeved shirt, and dark eyes looking him up and down him suggestively.

He smiles politely, but moves over closer to Niall. Niall notices right away, and dances subtly between Louis and the guy, and Louis feels protected and better.

After a few more songs, and a few more people who’ve been staring at him, he needs some air. Just a bit.

It’s not bad, he thinks. He needs a little break.

He shouts as much to Niall who looks concerned, but Louis calms him with a smile.

”Want me to go with you?” Niall shouts over the music.

Louis shakes his head and points a thumb towards the back exit and turns it into a thumbs up. Niall nods, and Louis makes his way through the dancing crowd.

His head is swimming a bit, not too bad, but he can feel it’s there, the nerves, his heart beating a little too fast.

He just needs to calm down for a second.

He gets outside, and breathes deeply.

He’s okay, it’s okay.

He takes another couple of deep breaths and leans up against the brick wall.

He kinda wishes he had a cigarette, could just go in and ask Zayn for one, but it can wait.

The slight breeze in the night air calms him and cools his slightly sweaty skin from the dancing.

He feels better. He can still breathe, and no one did anything he didn’t want. No one got closer than he let them. He’s learning.

He breathes for a few minutes, lets it even out and just revels in the feeling of contrast of the pumping bass from the club and the quiet of the night.

He never really noticed how much he treasures the silence, has always been too occupied with filling it with noise and chatter to notice, but it seems the silence suits him well. You learn a lot about yourself from having bad experiences, he thinks, and chuckles a bit to himself.

A few weeks ago he wouldn’t even have been able to think about what happened without his heart beating rapidly or start to tear up, and now he’s at the very same club, and it’s actually okay. He feels good, he feels normal.

Suddenly the door opens, and a figure emerges from the club.

He’s tall, has a head of long curls and a burgundy scarf wrapped around it.

He takes a deep breath, just as Louis had done, and shakes his shoulders a bit. Takes a couple of deep breaths and smiles to himself looking at the ground.

Louis stands completely still, feels like he’s intruding on this stranger.

Said stranger then turns around, and startles a bit as he notices Louis.

”Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there,” he says, voice deep and slow. Louis’ not sure that kind of voice fits a person like this, all long and lean limbs, broad shoulders with a mostly unbuttoned shirt.

He smiles at Louis, a dimple forming in his cheek, eyes glinting as they capture the light from the single streetlight above their heads.

Maybe that voice doesn’t fit, maybe it _really_ does.

”Hello,” Louis says, his voice feels weak compared, like it has forgotten that he’s actually a 22 year old male, not a squeaky teenager.

He clears his throat.

”Um, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt your little.. thing,” he gestures vaguely towards the guy, who cocks an eyebrow, but still smiles.

”No, I’m the one who’s sorry, I bursted in on your quiet time,” he says apologetically raising one hand to his chest, and then both of his palms towards Louis, like a peace offering. His palms are broad and several rings adorn his long slender fingers.

”No, it’s alright,” Louis finds himself replying, mouth speaking before his brain can catch up.

This feels a bit dangerous, but not the bad kind. More like the really good kind.

He hasn’t felt like this in a long time.

Excited, heart now beating for totally different purposes.

”I’m Louis,” he says next, brain obviously still not entirely cooperative.

The guy reaches one of his massive paws forward to shake Louis’ hand.

”Hello, I-”

He doesn’t get any further as the door slams open to reveal a frantic Niall, otherwise calm blue eyes now a thunderstorm.

”Louis!” he exclaims and runs towards him.

”Are you okay? I was getting really worried,” he says quickly and grabs Louis’ shoulders, shakes them a bit, eyes looking him up and down with a worried expression.

”Niall, Ni, I’m fine,” Louis reassures him with a slight chuckle.

He sees the guy looking very apologetic from behind Niall, raising his palms once again, and quickly rushes back into the club.

”Niall, look, I’m all good, not shaking or crying or anything,” he says and gestures to his hands and face.

”No trouble,” he says and smiles at Niall to convince him that really, he’s fine.

”But like, I just saw that guy walk out here and I thought that maybe, you know, he was, like following you, or something,” Niall babbles, and it kinda breaks Louis’ heart to see his otherwise carefree friend so worried.

”He wasn’t, I think he was just getting some air. He even apologised for being here,” he says, and smiles even harder to convince Niall that he really is okay.

”Nothing happened,” he says reassuringly.

”Other than the major lesson in A+ cockblocking you just performed,” he adds cheekily, seeing Niall’s face light up, then turning into a bit of a sorry frown.

”Well, you can’t just bloody well think any of us will leave you outside with a total stranger, we have to help you,” he says quickly, arms crossing across his chest, but face still a bit worried.

”Niall, I know, and I really appreciate it,” Louis says and hugs Niall close. He doesn’t tell them enough how much they mean to him, how much they really _are_ helping him.

”And I’m glad you have my back, but it really was nothing, just a really hot guy who just walked away,” he smiles, and shrugs a bit, and Niall laughs and says ”sorry” a bunch of times until they go back inside the club.

They grab a pint each from the bar, speaks a bit to the bartender, and then goes back out onto the dancefloor.

They spot Liam and Zayn in the booth, Zayn’s leg draped across Liam’s lap, Liam’s hand wrapped around Zayn’s thigh, and whispering in Zayn’s ear. They look adorable and fucking hot together, and Louis envies them only a little bit.

They dance a bit more, Louis feeling a lot more comfortable. It’s nice to know he can still feel attracted to people without it ending up being completely weird, and nice to know that somewhere out in the world, there is an attractive tall boy with bouncy curls, long slender fingers and a dimpled cheek.

It’s a nice thought.

 

A few weeks later they’re out at the club again. It’s become more of a regular thing now, going here, greeting the bouncer, getting a few free pints from the bartender, exchange a few jokes and watch Zayn and Liam make gooey hearteyes at each other.

Louis has so much fun with Niall, and he feels better each time they go. He feels safe and protected, and he is slowly learning to take better care of himself.

The club doesn’t represent a bad experience anymore, but a mess of good memories and of getting himself better and making a change in his life.

He has slowly started to dance with a few other people as well. Mostly in groups, but sometimes he lets someone get a little closer, or he dances up next to someone if he feels like it. They smile, touch a little bit, but never more than that, and he feels good about that.

It’s not that he’s not ready. He thinks if the right person came along and he felt attracted to them and felt safe with them, he would like to do more than just dance. But for now he’s just enjoying himself, feeling better and having fun.

Suddenly he spots a head of chocolate curls through the crowd. Just for a second and then they’re gone.

His mind goes racing, because those exact curls have been occupying his mind for the past couple weeks.

He goes up on his tippy toes to see if he can spot them again, just to maybe, like, make sure that he’s not getting himself all riled up for nothing.

And then he sees them again. A dark green scarf wrapped around them this time, shirt equally as unbuttoned. Maybe he just doesn’t own any more buttons, Louis thinks to himself. What a shame.

Suddenly the head of curls turns around and spots Louis.

Louis sees the moment of recognition and he feels oddly proud that this beautiful boy would remember him, even after their very brief meeting.

The guy moves forward through the crowd, clearly moving towards Louis, and he feels his heart rate pick up. He motions subtly to Niall, who turns slightly to get a better look, and gives Louis a small thumbs up.

Louis breathes deeply as the guy slides up next to him. God, he’s even taller this close up. And his eyes are so green, and his lips are so pink under the blinking lights.

The guy smiles down at Louis, a soft and friendly smile, and Louis feels his knees almost giving out under him.

The guy reaches for Louis’ hand, but stops himself, raises his eyebrows, as if asking for permission. Louis nods.

He takes Louis’ hand, slides a bit closer, and starts moving his hips.

He looks a bit ridiculous, if Louis is completely honest, because those are not very good dancemoves. Louis finds himself doubled over with laughter, but still clinging tightly onto the guy’s hand.

He’s wearing these tight  _tight_ black jeans, and his boots are a bit ridiculous too, and he’s still got all those rings on his fingers and his shirt barely hanging off his shoulders. And he’s doing some sort of giraffe-picking-apples-kind of move, and Louis just can’t help but laugh.

Luckily the guy laughs back, and Louis adds in a few of his own dorkier dancemoves. It’s been a while since he’s just let go like this, not really caring if he looks good, or moving his hips the _right_ way, and he likes it. He really likes it.

He spots Niall in the crowd and gives him a wide smile, and he smiles right back. He’s good. He’s not scared, and he feels like he can trust this guy. Who’s so attractive and so hot, but still _so_ ridiculous. And Louis feels charmed.

They dance for a while, still some of the more silly moves, but over the course of a few songs Louis finds himself pulling in closer to this guy, he wants to feel if his skin is as smooth as it looks. If his curls are as soft as they look.

Maybe even his lips.

And Louis feels eyes on him. But not the greedy kind of stare he’s used to, no, he feels eyes of interest, tender and consensual. He feels hips against his, but not grinding or the hard line of a cock against his arse, but moving in sync, just feeling each other, being on the same page.

He turns around, lets the guy move in a little closer, grabs his hand and places it on Louis’ own hip.

He wants this, that’s the difference. He feels in control, he’s just doing what he wants, what feels good, nothing more.

He turns his head slightly to thrown the guy a quick look, _is this okay?_ he mouths and the guy nods. He rests his chin on Louis’ shoulder, and maybe it should make him feel crowded and small, but instead it makes him feel safe and cared for.

Like he’s cornered off from all the horrible things going on in the world, and he has magic shield covering his body, and if anyone should think to attack, he’s protected from harm.

He feels a little overwhelmed with the image. He turns back to face the guy, and moves in close. He looks up, meets his soft gaze and wraps his arms around the guy’s waist tightly.

He buries his face in his neck, and just breathes.

He feels long arms wrap around his shoulders, those big hands spanning all over Louis’ back and shoulder blades. They sway a bit, back and forth, not really in time with the music, but Louis just needs to feel this guy’s presence. It’s strong and safe, and so interesting.

It’s been so long since he’s felt anything remotely similar to this feeling.

Someone taking care of him, wanting to be here with him. Making sure _Louis_ wants to be there as well.

He’s experienced that with Zayn and Niall of course, but this is different. Not quite as platonic. There is a tension between them. Something electrical. Something new.

Louis feels something stir inside. He leans closer to the guy, plasters his own body against his, and moves a bit quicker. He picks up their pace, and they dance more rhythmically to the music.

The guy looks down at Louis, a silent question in his eyes, and Louis just smiles, a bit of a challenge in his. The guy smirks, just the side of his mouth quirking, but they’re on the same page and that thought is particularly exhilarating.

Louis presses up more firmly against him, feeling his body pressed against his own. All the hard edges and soft curves. He leans in close, and lightly presses his lips to the guy’s throat. Louis can feel the deep hum thrumming through his body at the touch, and Louis wants.

He turns around, and moves up against the guy, moving his body rhythmically to the music.

This feels different. He doesn’t feel scared or stuck, he feels like they’re equals, he feels safe. He’s having fun, and not just waiting to be taken advantage of. The guy slowly curls his fingers around Louis’ hip again. They’re so long and take up so much space on Louis’ hip, and it feels amazing.

They dance up close for a while, Louis getting braver, and the guy relaxing a bit more.

Louis feels him tense up once in a while and looking Louis in the eye, making sure they’re on the same page, no matter what they do.

Louis greatly appreciates it, he really does.

But he’s not scared anymore. He’s ready. He wants this. And besides he’s never been known to be careful. So after a few more moves against the guy, a slight grind against his groin, Louis turns around.

He looks the guy straight in the eye, and quickly darts his eyes towards the bathrooms.

He can practically feel the guy flushing, the rush of arousal throbbing through his veins. Louis is right there with him, has been sporting a semi for the past two songs and is so ready.

The guy nods, a smile quirking at his lips, slight warning of the dimple before it arrives fully, as Louis wraps his fingers around the guy’s wrist, and pulls him in the direction of the bathrooms.

He makes sure to catch Niall’s eye and give him a thumbs up to let him know that, _yeah, I’m alright, I’m good,_ so he won’t worry.

And that’s all the mindspace he spares for his friends before the guy loosely grabs Louis’ wrist and is now the one dragging them towards the little bright bathroom sign.

Louis’ heart is pounding in his chest and it’s definitely the right kind. He so happy and so ready for this.

When they reach the bathroom, the guy pulls Louis forward and leans down to his ear to whisper, voice clear and gentle.

”Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks, and looks Louis straight in the eye. There is no judgement, no annoyance, nothing that even remotely suggests that he would be mad if Louis backed down.

”Absolutely, 100%,” Louis replies, confident smile on his lips. He is being completely honest. He feels so good, so happy and cared for, and he is ready.

”I just really want your hands on me,” he adds, voice a bit more breathy, and revels in the shiver it sends down the guy’s back suggesting that he probably hasn’t done this too many times before.

His eyes darken, dirty smirk playing on his lips, and Louis is _so_ in on this.

”No more careful,” Louis says and then pushes them both through the door.

When they enter the bathroom they find it blissfully empty. A dark room, with two separate stalls and a long table with sinks and mirrors.

The guy moves in slowly towards Louis, smirk still playing on his lips, and Louis feels his cheeks flushing, heat and excitement pooling at the bottom of his stomach.

He loves getting handled, looked at with that slight animalistic edge, like the other just _can’t_ get enough.

The guy crowds up in Louis’ space and gently curls his fingers around Louis’ wrist once again. He pushes the door open to one of the stalls, quickly glances in and luckily finds it just as empty as the rest of the bathroom. He smiles back to Louis, gestures towards the second stall. Louis nods, quickly, and finds himself getting pushed into the stall.

The guy follows and slams Louis back up against the stall door. Louis lets out a breathy gasp, he just _loves_ it.

The door is blocking out the strange voices from the club, but the pumping bass still slips through, vibrating through the dark tiles and up Louis’ spine. He looks up at the guy’s dark eyes, and feels a shiver down his back.

The bathroom’s dark and gloomy, and there are weird stains on the floor, and the walls are black, except for the spots covered in stickers and grafitti.

Not really the best setting, but well, he’s had worse.

”At least we wont get disturbed,” the guy says, his voice deep and rough.

And slight pang goes through Louis’ body. He’s heard those words before. Before guys had made him go down on his knees, nobody were to ever find out. Like a dirty secret.

And suddenly Louis is overwhelmed. Maybe this guy isn’t even all that Louis pictures him to be. Maybe this is just another casual hook up.

Sure, this guy is hot. _Wicked hot._ Like, hotter than _anyone_ Louis has hooked up with in a while. And it isn’t even just hotness – he’s beautiful, gorgeous even, if that’s possible.

He feels slight panic rush through his body at the thought. Maybe this is just nothing. Another random thing. Nothing special.

Just another guy, another quick blow hidden away in the shadows, another lonely night awaiting him at the end of it.

But right now Louis finds that he frankly doesn’t care.

This guy is so hot, and it’s been good so far, and besides. Louis has come to live and breathe these moments.

Someone taking an interest in him. Someone willing to make him feel useful, if only for a few moments. Someone who makes him feel wanted, if only to be left loathing himself even more the morning after. It doesn’t matter.

Louis pushes all those thoughts to the back of his mind.

The guys moves in on him, he’s standing directly in front of Louis.

His eyes are dark, but still gentle. He reaches behind Louis to slide the lock from green to red.

”This okay?” he asks checking Louis’ response before moving on further.

Good. At least the guy isn’t a douchebag. Louis wouldn’t have pegged him as one anyway.

Louis is having trouble breathing as the guy moves in further. Close. So close.

He’s a good half head taller than Louis, and so much broader as well. All legs and lean torso. Seriously, where do they make these kinds of people?

And all that length added up with that dimpled babyface and the curls, maybe it shouldn’t really work. But oh god, it really _does_.

The guy is so close that their breath’s mingling, Louis feels dizzy with it.

His eyes are searching Louis’ face. They’re a bit hard to make out in the shadows, they keep falling on Louis’ lips. He feels a bit self conscious under the intense stare, but doesn’t let it get to him.

The guy licks his lips, plump and pink. Even in the darkness Louis can make out the perfect bow along his upper lip.

Those lips were most _definitely_ made for sucking cock.

But maybe Louis won’t even get that lucky. Most guys just rile him up, pushes him down onto his knees and lets him do the work, and in the end leaves him with his own hand down his trousers. A few of them lend a hand though, if they’re nice.

So Louis silently prepares himself to go down for this guy as well. At least he’s nice and friendly and asks Louis for permission and he’s so hot, that Louis probably wouldn’t even mind wanking on his own, if he’s just allowed to touch him.

And considering the size of this guys hands, Louis think it’s probably gonna be a bit of a challenge.

But just as Louis is about to bend at the knees and slide down in front of the guy, he puts a gentle hand on Louis’ shoulder, with just the slightest shake of his head.

Louis is confused.

A blowjob’s usually what people come to him for. He even has a reputation and everything. Maybe not so much anymore, but still. People know him. They know what he does. Used to, anyway.

Louis looks up at him, eyes still searching his every move. One of his massive paws moves up to rest on the wall next to Louis’ head.

Yikes, those fingers. So. Long.

Louis swallows around the lump that has slowly started forming in his throat.

He thinks he usually knows this part pretty well, even if it has been a while. Even though this is different. Very different.

He looks up at the guy.

”You don’t..?” his question drifts off, the guys eyes landing straight back into Louis’.

They’re still dark, blown out, but so gentle.

His other hand slowly moves up from Louis’ wrist, up along his forearm, his elbow and up to Louis’ bicep. He shivers.

Gently and slowly he strokes the skin, just with a fingertip, softly stroking along the line of the fabric of Louis’ rolled up t shirt sleeve.

The guy’s lips quirk into a small smile.

He slowly moves in, Louis almost thinks he’s going to kiss him, but he moves past Louis’ lips and up behind his ear instead.

Louis shivers again at the sensation of hot breath on his neck, and the softest of whispers in his ear, barely audible over the pumping bass from the club.

”Since the moment I saw you, I couldn’t wait to get on my knees for you,” he says slowly, voice low and gravelly.

Louis swallows. It goes straight to his cock.

This is certainly new. Someone offering themselves to him? He doesn’t really know what to do with that.

”But-,” Louis starts, trying to hear his own voice over the blood rushing in his ears.

This guy’s like magic, and they haven’t even kissed yet.

He’s barely even touched Louis yet, just the lose hold around his wrist and the small strokes on Louis’ arm.

Who even is this guy.

”Please,” he breathes, cutting Louis’ worried and confused thoughts short.

”Please, can I? Will you let me?” he leans back just a bit, looking Louis straight in the eye again, seeking his permission.

This is so strange. People never look Louis in the eye, not like that, and certainly not when one of them is about to get a blowjob in a shite club bathroom. But then again, this guy is different, somehow.

His eye are, if possible, even bigger, pleading and blown with lust.

Louis’ mouth is getting dry.

”Please, can I-” he repeats, trailing off, as his eyes once again roam Louis’ face. He feels so oddly on display, but it’s not necessarily an unpleasant feeling.

Louis’ heart is beating so loudly that he’s sure the guy can hear.

He leans in behind Louis’ ear once again.

”Please, let me touch you,” he finally breathes, lips scraping the edge of Louis’ ear.

Louis is so turned on, and so confused, because people don’t usually treat him like this. Like he’s worth something. Worth spending your time with. And he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Sucking cock is almost a bit on autopilot by now for him, and now this guy has very rudely interrupted his routine.

And the guy is just looking at Louis so pleadingly, dying to get his hands on Louis, and who is he to say no?

He nods slightly, looking the guy straight in the eye, then nodding a bit more firm. Because _god_ , does he want to get his cock sucked by those made-for-sucking-cock-lips and get touched by those hands. He just wants to be under this guy’s gentle attentions for as long as possible.

He has never felt this cherished and confused and turned on in his entire life, and he’s not sure what to do with this feeling.

But this guy seems to know what he’s doing.

His huge hands trace every part of Louis’ body, starting all the way up at his shoulders, slowly lowering them over Louis’ elbows and forearms stroking the skin, down along his hands, intertwines their fingers, just for a second.

Then he goes all the way up again, up to his shoulders, in towards the middle of Louis’ chest. He goes slowly, so slowly, over Louis’ rapidly beating heart, stopping just for a second, smiles sweetly at Louis and then continues.

His strokes are so soft, smooth and gentle. Louis’ skin is prickling, his breath quick and shallow, and he just wants. _So bad._

The guy’s hands go in on Louis’ chest, around his pecks, around to Louis’ side, into the middle again, where his stomach is a bit soft. Out and down the curve of Louis’ narrow waist, and finally down to Louis’ hipbones.

He rests his hands there for a moment, just getting a feel, squeezing the bone, really showing off how big his hands are, almost covering the entire jut of Louis’ hip.

He breathes deeply, trying to contain himself, but it is just so much.

Louis think it’s about to happen, but then the guy moves his hands down ever lower and slides down onto the floor.

Louis gasps slightly.

Down the outside of his shapely thighs, along the curve, going in at the back of his knees, down his calfs and massages them gently.

He’s all on his knees on the floor, and his eyes are following everywhere his hands go with the utmost attention, and Louis has never felt so _seen._ Looked at with such gentle eyes and touches to match. So wanted. So important under the gaze of this mysterious and gentle giant.

Then Harry looks up, silently asking for permission yet again, and of course Louis nods, grants him all the permission he wants.

He’s on his knees for Louis, and his big eyes look up at him, lips open and glistening. Louis lets out a low groan and nods his head more firmly this time.

The guy keeps going excruciatingly slow, goes up the back of Louis’ knees, up along the back of his thighs, and then up to cup his arse in his massive hands. Louis has always known his arse was curvy and people usually find it rather delicious, but never has he felt it appreciated and caressed like this. Those big hands envelope Louis’ cheeks, and Louis whimpers weakly.

The guy lets out a tiny groan at the back of his throat, like he’s trying to hold himself back, not letting himself get too carried away.

Then his hands moves higher, to the lower of Louis’ back, and Louis has to lean his head back against the wall, because shit, those _hands_. They span almost entirely across his back and it’s just too much.

Then the guy slowly starts to get up from the floor. Louis almost whimpers in disappointment, but holds it in. He’s curious to see what this guy’s going to do next. He has been nothing but surprise so far. He’s interesting, handles things a lot differently than anyone Louis has ever been with before.

Hands follows up Louis’ back, going in soft circular motions until the guy is full back on his feet. One hand stops on Louis’ shoulder, one on the back of Louis’ neck.

Louis looks up at him again.

The quite noticeable size difference only adds to the feeling of being held, being taken care of, being something important, worth caressing, worth being careful and gentle with.

The guy leans in to the back of Louis’ ear again. Whispers slowly and deeply.

”Can I blow you?”

Louis’ eyes almost roll to the back of his head, just the sound of his voice is too much. And he nods.

”Yes, yes, you can,” he splutters, that’s all he can do. He feels like he’s on the verge of exploding from being watched and caressed and from his cock wanting to spring free anytime, from trying to hold in all the noises.

”Good, then just,” the guy says, and breathes deeply before he continues, ”let yourself go. I can feel you holding back,” he says with a gentle smile, and then he surges in to kiss Louis’ throat right below his ear.

And that’s it.

Louis is not holding back any longer. All those little noise, small whimpers. He is so gone for this guy.

First he kisses slowly and soft. His lips are so warm, and it makes the spot on Louis’ throat where they’re touching all tingly. They just about graze against Louis’ sensitive skin, dragging along, making him shiver.

It gets more intense. He goes further down on Louis’ throat, marking every spot with a kiss of his plush lips.

He stops just on one side of Louis’ adam’s apple, and sucks on it gently while working the skin between his teeth, definitely leaving a mark.

Louis sucks in a breath, it almost gets stuck in his throat because the guy’s hands are moving everywhere; on his back, on his stomach, his arms, his neck. He feels completely enveloped in all of this and he loves it. Oh, how he loves it.

This is so different from anything he’s ever experienced before. This guy is seriously taking his time. He always waits for Louis’ approval, lets Louis know just how much he really wants him, and he doesn’t do anything without utmost consent from Louis.

Slowly he starts kissing lower and lower, as he slides to his knees once again.

This time Louis can’t keep in all the noises, a few small puffs of air escape his lips. His lungs seem to be quite confused by all of this, sucking in tiny breaths as the guy’s lips trail down Louis’ body.

Then he reaches for the bottom of Louis’ shirt, and throws a quick look at Louis, asking permission to lift it, and gets a nod back in return.

Louis’s almost just grabs the hem himself and lifts it up.

”Yes, yes, you can do anything you want, just get on with it,” he chants, getting impatient, head slamming back again the door.

The guy chuckles and finally seems to be able to let himself go a bit more as well.

He reaches under Louis’ shirt, feeling Louis’ smooth skin, leaves kisses all over Louis’ toned stomach. His slim waist and the soft outline of his abs.

He uses one hand to lift Louis’ shirt and the other he simply lets roam free across Louis’ skin, followed by kisses and licks.

His hands reaches Louis’ waistband. He shoots another look at Louis, and Louis nods.

”Please,” he breathes, just wants him to get a move on. He feels like he’s been so turned on for ages and he’s so ready.

The guy slowly moves over the button on Louis’ jeans, slips it through the hole and unzips the fly.

Louis breathes out in relief as the guys hands finally wrap around his length, even though it’s still covered by his boxers.

It just all feels so good. Just the hint of fingers massaging, gently rubbing up and down. Louis is dizzy with it, with want and this guy’s hands and he just wants him to get a move on. So he grabs his jeans and pushes them down to pool on the floor.

The guy chuckles again, looks up at Louis.

”Getting a bit impatient, are we?” he asks cheekily, and leans in to mouth at Louis through the fabric.

It’s so warm, heat and moist from his mouth seeping through and Louis can’t get enough. His hips are squirming, and the guy is reaching one of his hands up to hold his hip in place. The other reaches for his boxers.

”Let me know if you want me to stop,” he says, sparing a glance up at Louis, asking for his permission one more time.

Louis appreciates it, he really does, but his cock doesn’t quite as much.

”Yes, yes, I promise,” he says quickly and squirms his hips around a bit more.

”Good,” the guy says before dragging down Louis’ underwear, joining his jeans on the floor.

Louis’ cock springs free and it’s an amazing feeling after having it contained for so long.

The guy is massaging Louis’ hips, rubbing and prodding the skin, before one of his hands moves down Louis’ v line and grabs the base of Louis’ cock. The other hand is still firmly placed on Louis’ hip, preventing him from thrusting too hard.

Suddenly the guy dips in, takes in the tip of Louis cock, massaging the head between his glistening pink lips, licking and mouthing and everything suddenly moves so fast.

Louis feels the guy’s mouth all over himself, tongue licking and teasing, warmth and wetness covering him.

The guy licks up one long stripe along the underside of Louis’ cock and he shivers with it.

He throws a quick smirk up towards Louis before going in and enveloping him completely.

He goes down, so far down. Slowly dragging his lips over Louis’ length, and Louis was right – those lips were made for sucking cock.

Louis’ breath hitches as he feels himself hit the back of the guy’s throat. A whimper escapes his lips, and the guy hums in return. Louis feels the vibrations in his cock, and moans at the sensation.

The guy swallows around him, working Louis as far back into his throat as possible, moving inch after inch, relaxing himself, making it good for Louis.

Louis is grateful for the hand still pressed against his hip, he would be a pool on the floor otherwise. This guy knows how to give a blowjob. Of course he does, with lips like those. And it’s so good. He feel enveloped and engulfed in the guy’s mouth, he feels kept in place and he can feel the heat pooling in his stomach. He wont last long.

The guy is working his tongue around Louis’ length now, swirling at the tip, dipping into the slit, making Louis groan above him.

He bobs happily along Louis’ length, dragging it out. Taking Louis as far back he can and then slowly drags his lips towards the tip, teasing him by slipping his lips just over the end and tonguing at the sensitive vein on the underside of Louis’ cock.

Louis moans, the back of his head falling back against the door, and he can feel the guy picking up speed, urged forward by Louis’ noises. But he can’t spare the mind to care about those noises, not right now, not with how this guy is working his magic mouth all over Louis.

Louis feels his hips getting more restless, and he digs one of his hands into the guy’s long curls, pulling a bit at the nape of his neck, pulling a low groan deep from his throat. Louis does it again, and he sees the guy’s eyes close in pleasure.

He’s getting off on blowing Louis, it’s just too much and Louis has no idea how he got so lucky.

The guy is allowing Louis to thrust his hips, just a little bit, moving deeply into his mouth. Louis moans each time his tip grazes the back of his throat and he can see it working around Louis.

It’s so hot, and Louis just can’t help when it all gets too much, the familiar sensation building deep in his groin. He barely gets to pull the guy’s hair in warning before he is coming down his throat with a longdrawn whiny moan.

His eyes roll to the back of his head, slams back against the door, making it rattle in its hinges.

He feels his cock pulsate down the guy’s throat, feels a little bad, but mostly just so _fucking_ awesome.

The guy swallows around Louis one last time, swallowing Louis’ white load, and a tiny bit dribbles down his chin.

He pulls off Louis’ sensitive cock, and licks his lips.

He looks completely happy and satisfied, Louis just looks at him in wonder.

And then he doesn’t let Louis reciprocate.

Louis is so confused by this, but also so blissed out, completely lax and unable to move. He feels important and happy, here on the dirty bathroom floor.

He wants to reciprocate, but the guy doesn’t let him.

”It was all for you,” he says voice gravelly from working his throat so roughly and gives Louis a sweet kiss on his cheek.

Louis has sinked down the door, and is sitting leaned up against it, just breathing everything in. The guy looks at him fondly, and strokes off a few strands of hair from Louis’ forehead.

They sit in companionable silence, Louis getting his breath back, and the guy just looking at him happily. Like he’s the best thing to ever happen to this world.

Louis is so confused.

After a beat the guy asks Louis if he wants to get back outside to his friends.

Louis just shakes his head, lols back and forth in the socket. He feels lose and raggedy, like he just got his mind sucked out through his cock.

”Think I’m just gonna head home, I’m knackered,” he says, sending a cheeky grin in the guy’s direction. He smiles right back at him.

”Alright,” he says and gets up from the floor, reaching a hand forward for Louis to take.

”Where do you live?”

Louis takes his hand and lets himself be pulled up. His legs are like jello.

”Why?” he asks confused.

”Thought I’d walk you home. Make sure you’re safe,” he explains and smiles shyly.

No one he’s ever hooked up with, if this can even qualify as a hook up, has ever asked him that. Or looked at him like that.

This guy is something. Something else. Completely different.

He has just given Louis probably the best blowjob of his life, made him weak in the knees and basically given him the best orgasm ever. And then he gets shy about following him home.

”Okay, you can follow me home,” Louis responds after a beat and opens the door to the stall, the guy’s hand still firmly held in his.

He can hear the pumping bass more clearly now, having almost forgotten where they are. They’d been completely in their own little world where only heat and warmth existed, heated looks and tender touches.

They make their way through the club. Louis spots Niall on the dancefloor, completely surrounded by people, he wont mind.

He just texts Zayn, so he doesn’t worry. He worries too much.

_Went home, alls good (: hav fun xx_

He pockets his phone and looks up to find the guy waiting for him, having put on his black peacoat. It looks lovely on him. It has a high collar and reaches him about halfway down his thighs.

”You look lovely,” Louis says much to his own surprise. This guy just makes him feel like it’s okay to say things like that.

”So do you,” he responds, lips sporting a warm smile.

”Ready to go? Haven’t you got a coat? It’s a bit chilly out,” he asks after a beat of just smiling.

”Yeah, I’ll just go grab it,” Louis says and quickly finds his fuzzy denim jacket.

”Let’s go,” the guy says when Louis returns and grabs his hand.

They exit the club and hail a cab.

Neither of them are that drunk, but it’s still quite a walk and it really is getting closer to winter. Louis gives his address to the driver and they set off.

It’s not that long of a drive, but they spend it in comfortable silence. 

The guy is looking out the window, watching all of the lights from the city. They’re reflected in his eyes through the window.

Louis still thinks he looks lovely. He doesn’t say it this time though.

He’s not quite sure what to do at this point.

He doesn’t know if the guy, he still doesn’t even know his _name_ , expects to be invited in and maybe then allow Louis to suck _his_ cock.

Louis thinks he really wouldn’t mind, not the slightest. 

But the guy doesn’t act like it’s a random hook up from the club, or a quick shag before he creeps out in the morning.

He doesn’t seem like the type of person to do that.

And he doesn’t seem turned on at all, if Louis is completely honest.

He is calm and collected, a pleasant presence next to Louis on the backseat. Not hasty or court, he doesn’t seem to be in any kind of hurry.

”Almost there,” Louis mutters after a few more minutes of silent driving and the guy looks back to him and simply smiles.

They pull up at the curb and Louis pays off the driver.

The guy had offered but Louis’d turned it down.

”Please, it’s my house,” he reasons, not really the best argument, but it seemed like the responsible thing to do.

They walk up the steps to Louis’ front door.

They live in an old red brick building in the middle of a quite busy street. But it is lovely and has a nice stoop.

Louis stops right in front of his door and turns to watch the guy follow him to the door.

Louis grabs his keys from the pocket in his jacket and puts them in the lock.

”Do you-,” he starts, not really knowing how to continue. Because he knows what usually happens now. He’s just not sure about this particular situation. It feels different.

Everything about this feels different.

”Do you want to come in?” he asks hesitantly because he doesn’t get it. This guy.

Here he is, on the stoop of Louis’ house, right in front of his door, after following him home from the club, after the most amazing blowjob ever. And he doesn’t even act like he wants anything. Like he’s not even expencting _anything_ from Louis.

He just doesn’t get it.

The guy just smiles.

He does that a lot, smiling. Punching in that dimple.

It’s actually quite wonderful. His lips are still pink and shiny, and his eyes are simply green and bright. Not dark or blown with lust like they’d been in the bathroom stall.

Just a nice, pleasant dimpled smile.

”Not tonight,” he says. The smile is still present and even though Louis has technically just been rejected, oddly, he doesn’t feel rejected.

He feels, almost, protected.

”But-,” he starts, not really knowing what to do with this feeling in his chest.

It’s not disappointment, but it’s not quite content either. He’d wanted the guy to stay. But it’s like he’s relieved anyway.

The guy puts up a hand to stop Louis.

”Tonight was about you, Louis,” he looks Louis straight in the eye.

They’re kind, those green ones. So kind.

”I’m not going to take anything from you that you’re not ready to give,” he says seriously and takes Louis’ hand.

”But like, when can I see you again?” Louis blurts out.

He didn’t really mean to ask, to sound so desperate, but well. This guy’s smile is just lovely.

So lovely.

”Maybe at some point,” he says with a chuckle and a shrug, but it’s still so kind and Louis just doesn’t get it. Why wont he see him again?

”We don’t live that far apart, actually," he says and looks a bit up and down Louis' street.

"We’ll probably bump into each other again, but for now,” he says slowly and moves an inch closer, ”just remember that you’re worth so much more than you think, Louis.”

He swallows.

He feels himself drowning in those green oceans.

”Tonight was about you,” he says for the second time and leans in to kiss Louis’ cheek.

”I’m sure we’ll see each other soon,” he says with finality and gives Louis a tight hug.

He walks down the stoop and along the curb. He turns around quickly and waves back at Louis, turns a corner, and then he’s gone.

Louis is so confused, but maybe, just maybe, a little relieved too.

He doesn’t feel the same kind of emptiness he usually does after a night with someone in a club bathroom. Doesn’t feel used or worthless.

It’s a strange feeling.

He gets in the flat, makes himself a cuppa and then cuddles into bed.

He falls asleep with a smile etched into his lips, and gets the best night of sleep he’s had in weeks.

Months maybe.

 

Zayn is mysteriously missing the next morning, and Niall and Louis exchange meaningful glances when he subtly gets in sometime in the early evening.

He’s all smiles and happy bounces, and they both laugh at him a bit, but still cuddle up on the couch and tells him how proud they are.

They cuddle for a few hours, watch a bit of stupid reality tv, Niall and Louis bicker over the contestants and yell at the tv when they do something particularly stupid. Zayn leans back and enjoys seeing the smile on Louis’ face.

Late at night Zayn comes knocking on Louis’ door. He’d been drifting off to sleep to the image of green eyes and brown curls when he hears the small knock.

”Hrumphf?” he mutters, and Zayn apparently takes that as an invitation to enter.

”Hi Lou,” he says quietly, soft smile playing on his lips.

He looks elated, like a kid on Christmas morning.

Louis leans up one arm, pulling the comforter with him, inviting Zayn in.

That’s about all he can muster in his state of sleepy green-eyed-dreams.

Zayn cuddles in next to him. The situation seems akin to the one they had all those weeks ago, only it’s such a different situation.

Zayn is happy.

He couldn’t sleep because he couldn’t stop thinking about Liam, and he just wanted to talk about it, to tell Louis all about it.

How wonderful Liam is, how careful and gentle he was with him, how Liam’d made him breakfast in bed the next morning. How happy Liam makes him. How they’d watched movies and Liam had asked about some of the drawings Zayn’d been finishing up on.

Louis feels a fond smile creep over his lips, he’s so happy for Zayn and so proud of him. And happy that he’s found someone who treats him right.

”Happy for you, babe,” he mutters fondly, eyes still closed and lips smushed into the pillow, sleep threatening to pull him under. But he wraps his arms around Zayn, and pulls him in.

Zayn yawns.

”I just really like him, and he likes me too,” he says, voice soft with the memory of the Brown Eyed Liam.

He drifts off, going slack in Louis’ arms. Louis pulls him in a bit tighter.

”Good boy,” is the last thing he says before falling asleep with Zayn clutched close.

The next morning Zayn wakes Louis up with a prodding finger in his ribs.

”Lou,” he says, voice sleepy and crispy, but still annoying. It’s too early.

”Lou, Louis, _Lewis,_ ” he keeps poking and prodding, and this is the thanks Louis gets for letting him sleep all cuddled up?

”Wake up, pleeease,” he whines, and Louis puffs and opens his eyes to see Zayn leaning over him. Eyes big and way too bright for an early morning like this. It’s like only 10 or something. Entirely too early to be awake.

”Wha',” Louis says, voice all croaky. He stretches and turns his back to Zayn. He’s not ready to get up. No.

”Louis, c’mon we need to talk, Niall told me you left with that guy,” he says, and that piques Louis attention, but he keeps stubbornly still. He’s not going to budge. No he is not.

”The Scarf Guy,” he continues and Louis can just hear the wiggle of his eyebrows and groans.

”Tell me all about it,” Zayn says dreamily and keeps prodding his finger between Louis’ poor ribs and in the end Louis budges, because ugh, Zayn.

But not until Zayn promises to bring him tea and scones.

Zayn bounces out the door, way too bright for a day like this. Damn that Liam, ruining Zayn’s perfectly good grumpy morning routine.

Louis pulls on a pair of sweats, wraps his comforter around himself and waddles into the living room sleepy and bleary eyed.

Niall is sitting on the couch in nothing but his pants playing a game of FIFA. His hair is a mess and he’s sticking out the tip of his tongue in concentration. He’s winning, but it’s clearly all because he set the difficulty at medium. What a loser.

Louis climbs onto the couch, cuddles up next to Niall and pokes his shoulder to make room for Louis under it. He likes being held, okay?

Niall curses when the other team kick in a goal and the stadium on the screen goes mad.

”Shh, quiet, ’m sleeping,” Louis mutters to the offending crowd with his head nestled in Niall’s armpit with his eyes closed.

”No, you’re not, you’re hiding from Zayn,” Niall says casually not even glancing a look in Louis’ direction, getting back to his game and making his player run all the way down the other end of the field to get the ball.

He’s so offside, it’s ridiculous.

”You suck at this game,” Louis turns the conversation. He is not hiding, not at all.

”Whatever you say,” Niall says and nudges Louis’ cold toes with his thigh.

”We’ll just talk about your little escapade when Zayn gets back then,” he continues, eyes not leaving the screen once.

”Ugh,” is all Louis says.

He needs new friends who are less curious.

Fifteen minutes later Louis is munching on a delicious blueberry scone with a steaming cup of tea from the coffeeshop that’s just recently opened down the street.

”What kind of coffeeshop sells _tea_?” Niall scoffs, as he picks a piece from his own scone. Luckily Zayn had brought enough for everyone, including coffee for himself and Niall.

”Only the really good kind,” Louis says around a mouthful of delicious buttery crumbs.

”Liam’s the one who told me about it,” Zayn shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee.

”It’s actually quite decent,” he says more to himself than anything, and Louis rolls his eyes.

He never understood the whole coffee-thing, but he lets it slide, for now.

”So,” Zayn says after he has put his cup down on the table.

He’s sitting in the chair next to the couch, where Louis is still wrapped in his comforter. Niall’s had the decency to put on a pair of joggers, but it still wrapped up in his game. He’s in the lead 7-4 now, so Louis doesn’t mind him not paying attention.

Plus less attention on him right now wont hurt, he knows what is coming. He can’t hide from Zayn. It’s just like his mother. Zayn is actually his mother.

So when Zayn brings up Scarf Guy again, Louis can’t help the words that slip over his tongue.

”He was just so, I don’t know, like, so gentle? Like made sure I was in on it the whole time through,” he explains. He’s having a hard time finding the words to describe just what had happened last night.

Well, what happened is easy, they met on the dancefloor, Louis got blown in the bathroom, he walked Louis home and then left. Easy enough.

But that wasn’t just _all_ that happened. Not really. So much more went in between the lines, and Louis just can’t find the right words.

”It’s like, he didn’t even want anything from me?” he says, voice going up at the end like it’s question, and maybe it is a question because he really doesn’t get it.

The guy had wanted nothing in return. Nothing at all. He'd just wanted to make Louis feel good, and then leave without getting anything in return.

And Louis felt a little bad because he hadn’t even caught the guy’s name and he was a little scared he’d accidentally given the poor Scarf Guy the same treatment he had received so many times.

And hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the curly haired boy who’d made him feel so important, so cared for, so wanted. Like he was actually worth something.

Apparently he had said that last bit out loud, because Niall looks over from his game and lets his opponent score a goal, and Zayn looks at him with such fondness that he almost hides behind the comforter.

”Lou, that’s really great,” he says softly, and Niall nods in confirmation.

”I guess,” Louis says quietly. And he’d felt such a weird sense of relief when the guy had just walked him home without expecting anything in return.

”But he was just so secret about everything, like, I don’t even know his name? And he was like, maybe we’ll meet soon, and stuff, and it’s just so confusing,” he’s babbling, he knows it, and reaches for his cup of tea.

Zayn looks at him for a moment, contemplating.

”Maybe he just really meant it?” he offers.

”Like, he didn’t want to make it about himself in any way, and didn’t want to let you think he was expecting anything from you? This way he is like a perfect stranger, there’s nothing to taint the memory,” he says reasonably, and yeah, maybe, Louis thinks. It would make sense.

Still feels weird though, and Louis doesn’t like feeling weird.

 

A few weeks pass by.

Louis calls and talks to his sisters about the new lunch boxes they’ve gotten and how Lottie has started seeing a boy, and they all giggle until Louis hears Lottie’s angry voice through the phone.

”Woops girls, better go put mum on,” he says, giggle still colouring his voice. They yell their goodbyes as Louis hears the distinct noise of feet bustling up the stairs, Lottie’s voice travelling with them.

His mum picks up the phone, and they laugh a bit about the whole thing. She explains how Lottie has got a new ’friend’ and how she’s very embarrassed about it, and that the girls are teasing her mercilessly.

”You’ve taught them too well,” she says, and Louis chuckles a bit guiltily, but he still feels good.

After getting his mum up to date on school and Zayn’s new _crush_ and Niall’s crazy antics he gets to the part he’s been expecting and maybe dreading the most.

Scarf Guy.

Louis has got to figure out his real name at some point. But he has no idea how. And he tells his mum this much.

He tells her all about how they met at the club and how Niall interrupted their first meeting. He skips bits and pieces of the more x-rated moments from the bathroom, but tells he all about how the guy had been so kind, made sure Louis felt good and cared for.

How those moments has meant so much to Louis. How they have helped him accept that maybe he isn’t as worthless as he used to think. That maybe he is worth being cared for.

”That’s lovely, hon, I’m really glad he’s helped you feel better,” his mother says, voice soft.

”So are you going to see him again?”

Louis stops. Because is he? He finds himself at a loss for words.

”Um,” he starts, because he doesn’t know. He really doesn’t.

But the truth is that he really really wants to.

Louis feels his heart beating wildly at the revelation. All he really wants is to find that guy and let him know just how much that night meant to Louis. How much he appreciates everything he did.

And he doesn’t want the guy to be a perfect memory, like Zayn had said. He wants him to be alive and well and in Louis’ life and he wants to see him. He wants to talk to him, he wants to get to know him. He wants to know why he was able to treat Louis like that when no one else could, or wanted to. Why he was different.

He wants to thank him, so much. He wants to thank him for showing up just at the right time, right when Louis needed that extra push to feel a better about himself. To thank him for showing him that he really is important.

”I hope so,” he says quietly, suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts, with gratitude.

He hadn’t realised just how much better things had been since that night.

How he’s less worried, doesn’t stress out as much, doesn’t make as many excuses for himself all the time.

He hadn’t realised just how much he’d changed just over the course of a few weeks. And just because this boy had taken the time to make Louis feel valuable, to just give and not expect anything in return.

He ends the call with his mum. She tells him to listen to his heart and try to find this boy, because ”he sounds so lovely,” and Louis promises to at least try.

He gets of from his bed where he’d been sitting.

He goes into the living room to find Niall quietly strumming on his guitar and Zayn and Liam sitting on the couch watching the tv on mute. They look all cute and wrapped up together, and Louis smiles just a bit at the sight. His friends really are lovely.

”Guys, I need to find Scarf Guy,” he says loudly, louder than he expected, but suddenly everything is a bit clearer and not as confusing.

They all startle up to look at him, none of them having noticed him until now. 

”I don’t want him to be a memory. I want to tell him how grateful I am, I want to find him and learn his name, and talk to him and make some new memories with him,” he says, all the words jumping out all at once, and the others just look at him, confusion soon transformed into soft smiles.  

Then Liam looks at Zayn, who then looks back to him. They have some sort of silent conversation with their eyes, and then Zayn nods.

Louis is confused.

Zayn gets up and walks over to Louis.

”You sure?” he says, eyes big and gentle.

”Yeah, I’m sure,” he says, still confused.

”Okay then,” he says and sits back down on the couch, motions for Louis to follow.

Zayn explains.

Apparently Liam knows Scarf Guy, or at least knows of him. He works at the new coffee shop, and Zayn has seen him there.

Liam apologises because he didn’t know _that_ guy was Scarf Guy or he would’ve said something sooner, all the way back at the club when they’d met, but he didn’t know and then Zayn had asked him not to say anything, because they didn’t want to ruin anything for Louis, in case he really just wanted to keep the ’perfect memory’, like they’d talked about. They both felt guilty for keeping it from him, but Louis knows they meant it well, and just wanted to make sure he was safe and happy.

And Louis once again feels overwhelmed by the kindness of his friends, and he envelopes them both in a big hug, and thanks them for always having his back. Behind them he hears Niall put down his guitar, and join in on the hug, until they all topple over, limbs getting all tangled as they tumble to the floor.

They all laugh and Louis feels good.

He feels so good.

Because he has these wonderful friends, who just take such good care of him, and always try to do what’s best for him, and they love him, and it’s nice to be able to say that to himself. And he has a wonderful family who loves him, and who misses him, and it’s just nice to know that there are people out there who miss him.

And Louis feels good about himself. He doesn’t feel undeserving or unworthy. No, actually he just feels incredibly lucky that these people want him in their lives and that he gets to be part of theirs too.

Because that’s important too. He has something to bring to the table. He is valuable, and people love him because of who he is. And not because of his cocksucking skills. It sounds weird in his head, but it’s the truth. That’s how he felt before, like it was all he could do, all anyone wanted from him, but not anymore.

He has never felt this light, this wonderful, this ready to face whatever the world has to offer him.

And now he wants to find his Scarf Guy and say thank you, for helping him and showing him the right path.

Zayn gives him the address to the coffee shop, and Louis goes in to get dressed.

He puts on a pair of jeans and a simple t-shirt, grabs a coat and a beanie. It’s getting cold out.

He gives each of them a kiss on top of their heads, and goes out the door.

”Good luck, Lou!” he hears Niall shout, and he smiles to himself all the way down the steps.

As he’s getting closer to the coffee shop he feels the nerves kicking in. He’s not quite sure what to expect, because even though he feels overwhelmed with the revelation he’s just had, there's still the teeny tiny possibility that the guy will just turn him down or maybe not even remember him. He really hopes that’s not the case, and tries to push those thoughts from his mind.

He tries to reason with himself that even if the guy turns out not really wanting anything to do with Louis, it doesn’t matter, in the end. He feels good about himself, he accepts who he is and what he is not, and that’s enough. That’s actually more than enough.

He likes who he is, and he doesn’t need to do anything he doesn’t want to, to feel better about himself.

This guy helped him a lot. Louis was already in the middle of the process when they met, but he helped push it along, and for that he is grateful. But Louis doesn’t _need him_ to feel good about himself, not really, in the end.

And Louis finds that even as his hands are shaking and his breath is quickening the slightest bit as he turns the handle on the door to the coffee shop, it is the truth. He doesn’t need him. He doesn’t _need_ this guy to feel good about himself.

He walks inside the shop, a few other customers are littered around at small tables and on mismatched couches and chairs. A small bell clings above his head and the barista turns to serve the new customer.

And as Louis lays his eyes upon his, he feels that no, he doesn’t need to be with him, but _god_ , he really wants to.

Louis sees that moment of recognition once again, and he feels a rush of heat through his heart at the smile he sees, tugging at the corner of the guy’s mouth, dimple announcing itself on his cheek.

He’s not wearing a scarf today, but has his hair wrapped up in a lovely bun, only a few lose ringlets hanging down his neck. He’s not wearing one of his unbuttoned flower shirts either, but instead has a plain black t shirt with a burgundy apron on top.

He looks beautiful, Louis thinks. So beautiful.

As Louis gets closer to the counter, he sees the smile growing on the guy’s face, green eyes bright and alight with what Louis thinks might be excitement.

”Louis,” he says, voice just as deep and wonderful as Louis remembers.

”Hi,” Louis says, cursing his voice for being so goddamn breathy but there’s nothing to do about that.

”You remembered.”

”Of course I did. How did you-, I mean,” the guy starts smile still playing on his lips, his question drifting off. He seems a bit insecure, or maybe just nervous. Louis likes that he’s seemingly not the only one affected by this. 

”One of my mates spotted you here,” he explains, gesturing with his hand.

”And um, yeah, it took me a while to figure the whole thing out, but I’m here now,” he says all in one breath. He had to get the words out before chickening out completely.

”Yeah,” the guy responds, still that bright smile. Louis thinks his cheeks must be hurting by now.

”I’m glad you’re here,” he says honestly, and takes a step forward, still behind the counter.

Louis spots the name tag clipped onto his apron.

”Harry?” he asks cautiously, looks up to his eyes for confirmation.

”Yeah, that’s me. Not so mysterious now, eh?” he says with a slight chuckle, eyes casting down to the nametag.

”I don’t mind,” Louis says with a smile.

Harry. HarryHarryHarry.

What a lovely name.

”It’s lovely,” he finds himself saying.

Harry looks back at him, smile once again pulling at the corners of his mouth.

They look at each other for a second. Louis just takes in his appearance, the bun, those bright eyes and that tall, lean body. He's missed him, somehow. Missed seeing his eyes light up, missed that smile.

”So,” Harry coughs, clearly having been lost in thought as well.

”What can I get you?” he asks brightly.

Louis likes having a name to match with those eyes and lips.

”Um, just a tea? I guess,” he says with a smile, feeling weirdly unsure, but also kind of excited, like the ball is in his court and there is no way of telling what will going to happen next.

He likes it, maybe, just a little bit. It feels good, natural.

He takes a seat at the counter, smiles at Harry as he prepares the drink.

He slides it across the counter, having written _Louis_ with a tiny smily face next to it.

”Thanks,” Louis mutters, smile playing at his lips.

He takes a sip of the tea, and it’s good, and he just can’t help but look back up at Harry and smile.

He seems to be doing that a lot these days, smiling.

Someone calls Harry over, and he excuses himself with an apologetic smile and goes to help the customer.

Louis feels sated and warm inside.

He found Harry, not that it was _that_ difficult, and he looked pleased to see Louis. Louis dares to hope, the slightest bit, that maybe Harry wants something to do with him. Something more.

Louis feels something stir deep inside at the thought, maybe they could be something more.

He looks back to where Harry is currently helping an old lady get her coat out from where it has fallen under a chair and gotten stuck around the chair leg.

He hands it to her, makes a cute little bow and escorts her out the door, waving as she goes.

”See you tomorrow, mrs. Douglas!” he says after her, clearly one of his regulars.

Louis’ heart grows an extra size. This boy.

So kind, so wonderful, so selfless.

Louis gathers his courage. He can do this. He’s not going to let this opportunity slip through his fingers. He’s got to ask.

”Harry,” he says, when Harry gets back in front of him behind the counter.

He is cleaning off a few cups, drying them and putting them in place.

He turns slightly towards Louis, one eyebrow cocked as he replies a ”Yeah?” to let Louis know he's paying attention.

”Could you, I mean,” Louis stammers over the words. It’s difficult. He just wants so much.

He feels nervous. He has never done this before. Never.

”Would you, like, would you maybe want to go get dinner with me?” Louis asks, the words tumbling out, tripping over each other, but none the less. He asked.

Harry fully turns towards Louis and puts the cup down on the counter, paying full attention.

”Really?” he says quietly, like he can’t quite believe those are the words that just came out Louis’ mouth.

”You want that?” he says, almost incredulously.

Louis swallows.

”Yeah, I mean, if you, like,” he says, feeling insecure, maybe he misunderstood-

”Yes,” Harry interrupts Louis’ stupid thoughts, smile bright and blinding.

”I’d really really love to, Louis,” he says genuinely.

Louis feels his smile growing to match Harry’s, and they just look at each other. This boy is so lovely, and Louis just can’t take his eyes off him. And he doesn’t know what to do, how to go about this.

”I’m like, um, quite new to this whole dating thing?” he says voice a little frail, but he tries to just feel how he felt earlier. Good about himself, confident. He is good enough.

”But like, yeah, I would really like to spend some time with you,” he says honestly, and Harry looks back at him fondly.

”Me too, Louis,” he says and leans slightly forward on the counter.

”In all honesty I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, and I just wished you would come find me,” he confesses, and looks up at Louis from under his lashes.

Warmth spreads throughout Louis’ entire body, his fingertips tingling.

”I didn’t want to impose on you,” Harry says next, voice serious.

”Like, I didn’t want you to think you owed me, or something, so I just kept my distance,” he says, eyes downcast, and Louis thinks that this boy should never ever look this sad.

So he leans forward over the counter and presses a quick kiss against Harry’s cheek.

Harry looks up in pleasant surprise, and gently touches the spot with his long fingers.

Louis smiles at him.

”I’m glad you gave me the time to figure it out myself,” he says and gives Harry a reassuring smile.

”I really was hoping to see you again, though,” Harry adds, barely able to contain his grin.

He looks so lovely, Louis thinks.

They sit and chat for a while after that.

Harry explains how he moved to London over the summer, and works part time at the coffee shop. He talks about his family back home, his mum and sister and stepdad, and his cat, and Louis can just feel the pride and love he has for them, and instantly misses his own girls back home.

Louis tells Harry all about how he grew up with Zayn and met Niall later, and says that he just _must_ come and meet them at some point, and Harry adds that he thinks he’s seen Zayn around a couple of times with that other guy, the one with the brown eyes?

Louis also gathers his courage to apologise, if Harry ever got the feeling that Louis was using him or didn’t want anything to do with him.

”Like I didn’t even ask your name,” Louis says, frustrated with himself. How could he treat Harry just like he has been treated time and time again. Like he didn’t matter at all.

”Louis,” Harry says calmly, and covers Louis’ hand with his own.

”I would never think that lowly of you,” he says, eyes once again so gentle, so caring.

”You showed me in so many other ways that you cared.”

”Honestly, I felt so good with you. You were so lovely,” he says, a slight blush to his cheeks.

” _Are_ so lovely,” he finishes, and Louis finds his cheeks warming up to match Harry’s.

After that it’s light and pleasant conversation, and Louis finds himself enjoying it immensely. Time passes, Louis buys two more cups of tea, is given a free biscuit, and soon Harry has to close down the shop for the night.

They agree a time and a place to meet up for their date, and hug tightly before they part their ways.

Louis walks home feeling like a smile has permanently etched itself onto his face.

This boy is so lovely, even more so than he could ever have hoped for.

And he’s agreed to go out with Louis.

 

A few nights later they’re sitting at a cozy little restaurant. It was one that Harry knew, a tiny place hidden away in a corner.

Louis had been stressing so much about what to wear and he was getting nervous, because he’d never been on a real proper date before, not like this, with someone he so truly cared about. And it scared him a little to think of how much Harry already meant to him, and he was so scared to fuck it up.

Zayn had stepped in next to Louis, where he’d been standing in front of the mirror, trying out different outfits, and laid an arm protectively around Louis’ shoulders.

”Babe, you have nothing to worry about. He’s so into you already. You’re important to him too,” he’d said, and Louis felt a bit better.

And he’d once again tried to remind himself of all the new things he’d learned. That he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to, and that no matter what, the most important thing was how he felt about himself. He’d taken a deep breath, examined his outfit one last time, just a simple dark blue knit jumper and black skinnies. Flicked his fringe across his forehead, taming his by now long locks. It was gonna be fine.

He liked Harry, and had a pretty good idea that Harry liked him too.

Harry had come by Louis’ place and picked him up, even though Louis had argued that he was the one who was supposed to take _Harry_ out and not the other way around, but Harry’d just smiled at him, and tangled his fingers with Louis’ and that was the end of it. And as soon as Louis had laid his eyes on Harry, he’d instantly felt so much more calm. Because here was this beautiful boy with a big smile plastered across his face, and he was a little dorky and so kind, and he wanted Louis. He wanted this. Louis took another deep breath and leaned in close to Harry, bumping shoulders as they’d walked along the curb.

At the restaurant they’re given menus and Harry looks at Louis expectantly. He bites his lips, trying to control his grin.

When Louis opens the menu he understands why.

It’s all ridiculous kids’ food, rainbow coloured spaghetti, clown burgers, mac and cheese with the macaroni shaped like the alphabet, heart shaped pizzas.

He rolls his eyes fondly at Harry, who just bubbles over with laughter, dimple cut into his cheek, eyes lighting up.

”This is probably the most ridiculous meal I’ve ever seen,” Louis muses when their food arrives.

But he is grateful, because all this silliness, however ridiculous it may be, helps with his nerves and he feels Harry relaxing a bit more into it as well. They laugh over their carefully picked out selection.

They have a small plate of tiny toasted bread with faces made of cheese cubes and cucumber, a plate of the rainbow spaghetti, rice and curry chicken shaped like a little bunny and pizza rolls on sticks like pinwheels.

Harry’s smile is so bright and he looks so happy, and Louis just can’t help but join in on his bubbly laugh.

They eat while Louis talks about how his little sisters would have absolutely _loved_ this, and Harry throws in a small comment about how they could take them here one day, maybe.

It jostles something inside Louis, and he looks up from his food to find Harry looking back at him. He just smiles and goes back to his own plate.

He does that a few more times, small comments about the future, things they could do, things he’d like that requires two people, and each time it leaves Louis feeling warm and fuzzy like a pair of wooly mittens on his heart.

They play footsies under the table and laugh about how ridiculously cliché they are.

”Lucky for you I am the king of cheesy clichés,” Harry says and holds up a tiny block of cheese, shaped maybe like an eyebrow Louis thinks stuck on one of the sticks form the pinwheels.

Louis laughs harder than he expects and Harry joins him, cheeks pinking at the succes of the bad pun.

For dessert they have a massive plate of fruit with a shark cut out of a watermelon in the centre and a chocolate fondue.

Louis feels so relaxed in Harry’s presence. All his nerves from earlier have completely disappeared and he finds himself brave enough to reach forward on the small table and grab Harry’s hand. He strokes his fingers lightly over Harry’s wide knuckles, and Harry smiles warmly at him.

”I’m so happy you came to see me,” he says, warmth seeping through his voice making Louis’ insides all gooey.

”I was actually starting to get a bit nervous that maybe you didn’t want to,” he says voice going a bit more quiet, and Louis grabs tighter around Harry’s fingers.

”No, no, nothing like that,” he says softly, trying to think of the right words.

”I just, you know, I guess I’ve been going through a lot these past months, and I didn’t even think it was an option to see you again until a few days ago,” he confesses, remembering the talk with his mum. She’s made it seem to simple and maybe it was.

It seemed simple right now at least, sitting here across from this amazing boy, fingers tangled, knees knocking and laughing at bad jokes ’till their eyes water.

”And I think that maybe the main reason I wanted to see you, aside from the obvious fact that I actually fancy you quite a bit,” he throws in casually, Harry’s breath hitches, ”was that I wanted to let you know how grateful I am,” Louis says earnestly and looks up at Harry with wide eyes.

Harry’s head tilts slightly to the left, like a curious puppy, and Louis has to suppress the urge to read forward and nuzzle his hair.

”You helped me so much,” he continues.

”You helped me realise a lot of things about myself, things that I didn’t think were possible,” he feels a lump forming in his throat.

”You helped me realise that I’m valuable. That I’m worth more than the blowjobs I give to straight assholes in bathrooms,” he chuckles darkly at the last bit, and Harry’s eyes widen. Louis doesn’t want pity, and that’s not quite what Harry is expressing. It’s sympathy. Deep and heartfelt sympathy. Like he knows exactly what Louis means.

”And I’m so grateful for everything you did, Harry, no one has ever treated me like that before,” he says, voice a little muddy, and Harry squeezes his fingers tighter.

Louis breathes for a moment, letting the words sink in, swallowing around the lump in his throat. He notices Harry’s eyes are a little glassy as well. They’re such idiots. Sitting here in this ridiculous restaurant crying about their feelings. But he finds that he doesn’t mind. Not when it’s with Harry.

”But Louis, how could I not?” Harry says suddenly, and looks up at Louis with such a heartfelt expression that Louis’ breath hitches in his throat, nudging that stupid lump that wont seem to disperse.

”I saw that look on your face. I saw how you acted at the club, saw how people were treating you, how they were _looking_ at you,” his voices picks up an almost angry edge at the last part, and Louis feels oddly protected.

Harry had noticed him.

”I’d seen you a few times at the club. And people know you. Some of them talk about you, and sometimes it was just like, so unfair. Such awful things, and then I saw you,” Harry’s eyes have clouded over with anger, but it’s not directed at Louis.

”I saw how scared you were, I saw the look on your face. You seemed so lost. So desperate for someone to notice you, to notice you for what you really are. Which is so important, and you are so valuable. Precious and worthwhile,” the anger is replaced with the kindest eyes Louis has probably ever seen.

”I noticed you,” he adds quietly.

Louis feels tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

”And I knew that it was limited what I could do, but I just wanted to make you feel special, because that is what you are. And I never expected us to be sitting here, I never expected anything to come out of it. Just that maybe you wouldn’t hate yourself so much. That you would see yourself, just for a brief moment how I saw you on that dancefloor, how I see you now,” Harry finishes, voice thick and laden with emotion.

"And I'm so happy to be sitting here with you now, you're more lovely than I could have ever dreamed of," he says earnestly.

Louis feels a few tears threatening to spill over, and he feels his heart just about ready to burst for this amazing boy sitting in front of him. Amazed at how he got so lucky, and filled to the brim with gratitude and love.

He reaches forward over the forgotten mostly empty plate of fruit, cups Harry’s cheeks in his hands and presses their lips together.

Harry gasps deep in his throat and Louis can feel his hands fidget before they settle on Louis’ shoulders and slide down his sides to his waist.

The angle is a little awkward across the table and there are people around and Louis is maybe crying just a little bit, but it’s the best kiss he’s ever had, and it’s perfect and a little wet.

Harry kisses him back, full lips pressing gently against Louis’ thinner ones, not pushing or demanding, just the right amount of pressure.

Louis pulls back a bit, and leans his forehead against Harry’s.

”Thank you,” he whispers, and Harry laughs a little wet laugh and kisses Louis’ nose.

The walk home is sweet and warm, Harry’s hand wrapped in his, shoulders bumping, their laughs echoing on the quiet street.

Louis feels his cheeks stinging like he hasn’t stopped smiling for hours, and he doesn’t care because he feels so good. So very good. Warm and safe.

Harry once again walks him to his door, follows him up the stoop. This time though he kisses Louis goodnight, a long and lingering press of lips, arms wrapped tightly around Louis’ body, tongue sliding smoothly across the seam of Louis’ lips.

He opens up, grants Harry access and they just kiss and explore each other’s mouths, taking everything in.

Harry’s the one who pulls back in the end, ending it off with small pecks and Louis instantly misses his touch.

”Let’s not rush things,” he says, voice barely above a whisper, and Louis feels his heartbeat pick up the slightest at what Harry is referring to.

”I’m in on this, Lou, I really am, and I want to do things right,” he says, eyes warm and lips only inches from Louis’.

He nods, feeling the same kind relief as the first time they were stood in front of his door. Slight disappointment that Harry didn’t come inside with him, but relieved that they have time. No need to rush.

”I’m in too,” he says when he realises what Harry has said, his eyes alight with promise and excitement.

He leans in for one last kiss, pulling Harry close, trying to express every single ounce of gratitude and love for this boy through the kiss, clinging onto him.

”’night Harry,” he whispers, smiles and unlocks the door.

Harry waves as he walks down the steps and walks off along the curb.

Louis doesn’t feel as sad watching him go this time.

He knows it’s not the last time he’ll see those curls, and he feels so content and warm with the thought of this only being the first evening of many spent with this amazing boy.

 

The next few weeks pass by swiftly in a bit of a blur.

Exams are coming up, Zayn is stressing about it, drawing and painting every waking hour of the day with Liam fussing around him, making sure to give him food and drinks and always ready to fetch new pencils or a fresh piece of paper or a small press of lips to calm him.

Niall locks himself in his room most of the time, he needs to concentrate. He pinpoints and writes down scales and notes, dissects complicated symphonies and analyses intricate note changes.

And Louis is busy too, but he still makes sure to have time to see Harry.

After their date he spends most of his time in their flat, either helping Louis revise, cooking for all of them or cuddling with Louis when he gets too tired to study.

”Why did I pick such a stupid class,” Louis’ voice is muffled by the pages currently pressed against his cheeks. His face is pressed against the book he is supposed to read but it doesn’t make any sense.

”Shakespeare is the stupidest person ever,” he whines and Harry chuckles whilst bringing Louis a cup of tea.

”But you’re not, you’re the _best_ person ever,” Louis lights up at the sight of the steaming cup in Harry’s grasp.

Louis makes grabby hands, and Harry can’t ever deny him anything and passes him the cup.

Louis almost moans at how good the steaming liquid is, eyes rolling to the back of his head.

”The _cutest_  person ever,” he mutters under his breath and Harry smiles at him.

It’s nice having Harry around. He fits in perfectly with their little group with his pleasant smile and easy going personality.

He is even worse than Niall at FIFA, which the Irishman enjoys immensely. He clicks with Zayn and Liam right off the bat as well. Liam loves Harry’s dorky jokes, and Harry enjoys having deep conversations with Zayn. He relieves everyone of some of the kitchen duties and makes Louis happy. So very happy. And a happy Louis is a burden off everyone’s shoulders. So basically he makes everything better, Louis thinks.

They’ve been going out for a few weeks by now, having made it somewhat official just a few days ago.

Louis’ mum had called him on skype when Harry’d been there, sitting right next to Louis on the couch, and had been forced to tell her that yes, that was Scarf Guy, you know from that time, which Harry had chuckled at, and with flushed cheeks Louis had to explain that they were probably a thing now.

Lottie had popped up on the screen laughing at how  _he_ was the one with a boyfriend now, so the twins could tease _him_ instead, and they’d all laughed. Louis’ cheeks had pinked but Harry had just looked at him warmly, dimple prodding into his cheek. And after they’d decided that yeah, maybe boyfriend was the right word.

They cuddled a lot on the couch, curled up to watch movies or simply lay around in Louis' bed pressed up close.

Louis felt like he was in some kind of teen romance, with him as the insecure lead lady and Harry his knight in shining armour.

Harry had laughed his big dorky laugh when Louis had told him about it, and after a beat smiled at Louis, familiar and warm.

”But it’s not really like that, though, is it?” he’d said, eyes proud, already knowing the answer.

Because he hadn’t been Louis’ saviour. And he had never intended to be his saviour.

Louis was feeling better than he had for as long as he could remember, and it was all down to himself. He was the one who’d made the decision to change the way he felt about himself. Harry had helped along, sure, and he was a great motivation for Louis to really believe it and keep going. But as Harry said, ”only you can learn to love yourself,” and as sappy as it sounded, he was right. Louis had still punched his arm after, because no one, not even Harry, got away with _that_ kind of sap.

As time passes and they get to know each other more Louis feels different. Maybe a little impatient.

He’s seen Harry looking wrecked and turned on with a cock in his mouth, pupils blown wide with lust, and it’s hard to step back from that, to forget that image.

Louis has greatly appreciated taking things slow. Really, he has.

It’s just that, like, maybe he gets a bit too turned on sometimes, and can’t always help the morning wood pressing into Harry’s back or the hard line of Harry’s cock through his jeans when they’ve been grinding just a bit too much during their make out sessions on the couch. And he just wants so much, can’t forget the sound of Harry’s deep groans at the back of his throat.

They’d decided they would take it slow and just let things happen naturally, no rush. But Louis is ready. He is so ready to feel that body, to feel those hands on him again, to feel that smooth skin and those puffy lips.

They’ve exchanged a few hand- and blowjobs over the weeks, and it’s been great. Louis loves getting Harry all riled up and going down on his knees for him. And he knows Harry lives and breathes those moments as well. But he's ready for more.

And it’s so different from before. Louis feels like everything has changed for the better. It wasn’t going well before, with all those strangers in club bathrooms.

That had been purely out of desperation, his way of coping, the only way Louis knew to feel appreciated or wanted. He’d tried so hard to forget how worthless he felt and had just stuck a cock down his throat, forced himself to forget those thoughts.

But now things are different.

It’s different with Harry.

Because now Louis knows he is loved. He knows Harry wants him, and he knows that Harry will also want him when they’re done. He knows how Harry really feels about him, and knows that no matter what, they’ll be there for each other.

With Harry it’s fun and so  _so_ good. And Louis is ready to take it a step further.

 

Tonight they went out to watch a film, and Louis had about zero interest in it what so ever, so he'd leaned over and licked his way into Harry’s mouth instead.

Harry'd gasped deeply in his throat in pleasant surprise and cupped Louis’ jaw, opening up to him. They’d made out in the soft velvet chairs but eventually they had to leave with straining trousers and shaking hands.

It’s exhilarating, sitting next to Harry in the cab on the way home. It’s quiet, but they both know what the other is thinking. Louis curls his fingers loosely around Harry’s wrist, squeezing just a bit, _soon_ _._

When they reach the flat there is no more waiting. Louis fumbles with the key, Harry presses up close, hot breath sending waves of heat across the nape of Louis’ neck. He’s already dizzy with it.

He finally gets the door opened, and doesn’t even bother to check if the others are home.

He pulls Harry in, wraps his fingers around the lapels of Harry’s coat and presses their lips together, crowding up against the door.

Harry’s lips are warm and a little puffy still from all the making out in the cinema, and he tastes like butter and salt from the popcorn. He slides his hands up Louis’ waist, caresses his shoulders and ends up cupping Louis’ jaw.

Louis leans his head back just a bit to give him better access, and Harry nibbles and bites along Louis’ jawline until Harry licks his way in, across the seam of Louis’ lips.

It’s frantic and a little dirty and it’s all that Louis has been waiting for, for so long.

He presses up against Harry, before making a muffled noise, pulling at the bottom of Harry’s coat.

”Too. much. clothes,” he breathes out, pulling at the offending fabric and helps Harry shrug it off. He pushes at Harry’s stupid floral shirt, sliding it halfway down his shoulder. The sight is almost too much.

He leans in and licks along Harry’s exposed skin, nibbling at his collarbone. He looks so delicious and Louis just can’t help himself, leans in and bites at the joint between Harry’s shoulder and neck.

Harry groans and leans up, begging Louis for more.

Louis kisses his way up Harry’s throat, sucks and nibbles, definite to make a mark.

He slides his hands up under Harry’s lose shirt, feeling the smooth skin, the definition of Harry’s abs.

Harry’s hands are clenched tightly around Louis’ waist, head leaning down to rest on Louis’ shoulder. He breathing deeply, as if trying to control himself.

”Babe,” Louis says, removing his lips from Harry’s skin but keeps his hands gently massaging the skin under his shirt.

”Just let go,” Louis says breathily and a shiver runs through Harry’s entire body, but Harry leans back, searching Louis’ eyes.

”Are you sure, Louis? I don’t want to push you,” he says, eyes gentle and cheeks nicely pinked.

”You’re not,” Louis says.

It’s hard to concentrate with Harry in front of him like this, but he feels ready. He feels calm. He really wants this. And he’s not scared. He feels safe and sure of himself, sure of Harry and their relationship. 

”I’m ready. I’m not scared anymore. I want this _,_ ” he says reassuringly, eyes wide and honest. He takes a moment just to look at Harry, to make sure he understands. In the end Harry nods, and Louis leans in closer up behind Harry’s ear to whisper.

”I want _you,_ ” his lips graze the outer shell of Harry’s ear, breath hot on his neck.

Another low groan erupts from Harry and he leans forward and smashes their lips together once again.

After this their pace picks up.

Harry can’t seem to get enough of Louis’ skin. He pecks little kisses all the way across Louis’ jawline and then down his throat and licks at his collarbones.

He pulls at Louis’ shirt, Louis grabs the hem and lifts it off over his head. Harry’s hands are back on him instantly, and he feels flashbacks to the bathroom stall, Harry’s hands all over his body making him feel so wanted and so cared for.

Harry’s lips follow all the way down Louis’ body, nibbling and licking across the panes of Louis’ skin, leaving small purpling bruises in his wake.

Louis struggles to keep his balance, knees threatening to give out under him. It feels so good and Harry’s lips are so soft, dragging over the curves of Louis’ body.

He goes back up and sucks under Louis’ jaw, nibbling and working the skin with his teeth, bound to leave a mark.

Louis feels a rush of heat pooling in his gut at the thought that people will be able to tell that someone has claimed Louis, marked him, made him his.

”Haz,” he breathes, ”bed,” and meets Harry’s lips in another heated kiss.

He walks backwards, pulling Harry along with him.

He gets in the room, shuts the door behind them and pushes Harry gently up against it. He needs to tell Harry, just one more time.

”Harry, just listen, alright?” he says, eyes bright, and they’re both giggling into each other’s mouths and it’s dizzyingly good and comfortable and familiar, and Louis just has to let Harry know.

”You’re so important to me,” he says, followed by a kiss ”and I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Show you how grateful I am. You’ve helped me so much, Harry, you have no idea,” he follows each sentence with a kiss, capturing Harry’s lips with his own, keeping him quiet. Because he wants to say these things. Wants Harry to know.

”You made me think, you made me stop and question all these things I was doing, how I was leading my life and why I was getting treated like that,” he kisses at the growing frown between Harry’s eyebrows.

”I was so confused and sad, and then you were so kind, and you put aside all your own needs to make me feel important. Like, you followed me to the door, and you never even tried anything,” Louis is almost chuckling to himself, like he can’t believe this wonderful boy standing before him.

”And you’ve made sure right from the start I was never pressured into doing anything I didn’t want to do,” he kisses Harry again, lingering a bit longer this time.

”I want to make you feel how you've made me feel,” he whispers into Harry’s lips.

”Important, wanted, valued, protected, taken care of,” he underlines each word with a kiss and Harry has closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Louis’.

”Now let me take care of you,” Louis finishes his little speech and captures Harry’s lips with his own once again. This time he doesn’t let go but keeps going, letting their tongues meet and deepens the kiss, makes it dirtier.

Harry’s breathes in these little puffs, chest heaving with emotion at Louis’ words, and Louis presses impossibly closer.

He can feels Harry’s entire body plastered against his. Their kisses pick up. Louis tangles his fingers in Harry’s hair, and he practically moans when Louis pulls the longest curls at the back of his neck.

Louis feels Harry’s big hands around his hips, massaging and prodding at his hipbones. His fingers dip in just slightly to touch the skin, and it’s exhilarating.

There are still too many layers between them, though, and Louis unbuttons the last three buttons on Harry’s shirt and slides it completely off his broad shoulders and throws it on the floor.

Louis has been waiting _so_ patiently to get his hands on Harry’s tattooed skin, and allows himself to just take a look and admire his gorgeous boyfriend.

He presses a kiss to one of the swallows. 

Then he turns them around and backs Harry up towards the bed until he hits it with the backs of his knees, and Louis pushes him backwards until he leans back and crawls up the bed, Louis following closely with nimble hands and hungry lips.

Harry rests back on one elbow, as Louis runs his hands up and down Harry’s long torso. His other hand is gripping Louis’ jaw where their lips are still locked together.

Louis slides up further along Harry’s body and nestles a thigh between Harry’s spread out legs and puts just a little bit of pressure on Harry’s jean clad groin.

He groans and pulls Louis up further and wraps his arm around Louis’ body and holds him close.

Louis grinds back and forth a few times and Harry groans at the friction. His hands trail up and down Louis’ back, short nails scraping lightly across Louis’ tan skin.

It’s been a while since Louis has done this, but it has never been more important. He has never been with anyone like Harry, never been with anyone who means so much to him, and wants to make it good, to make it count.

Louis kisses his way down Harry’s body who writhes beneath the attention of Louis’ lips.

Louis’ fingers dance around Harry’s waistband, and he dips his fingers in, just the very tip, teasing down Harry’s v line.

Louis unzips the fly and pulls Harry’s stupidly tight jeans down his thighs and off his feet. He surges up and grips Harry through the cotton of his pants, strokes along Harry’s length a few times. Harry groans and looks down to find Louis happily mouthing at his cock through his boxers.

”Jesus fuck, Lou,” he breathes out, voice rough and raspy already. Louis looks up at him through his lashes and fuck, if it isn’t the best sight.

Harry is fulling lying down on the bed with his curls spread around his head like a halo, chin tipped towards the ceiling, hands gripping at the sheets.

Louis has never wanted anyone more.

He pulls off Harry’s pants in one swift motion, and finally has his boy spread out in front of him. He is so long and lean, and so _big._

Louis can’t wait. But he’ll make it good. He’ll make it so good for Harry.

He keeps kissing and stroking all over Harry’s skin, hand rubbing gently along his length a few times, teasing him further towards the edge until he pulls back and leaves Harry lying on the bed.

”Lou,” he whines, his hips squirming on the bed and grabby hands reach out for Louis, who makes his way over to his nightstand and finds lube and a condom in the drawer.

He quickly unbuttons his own jeans and chucks them alongside his boxers.

”Oh,” Harry says, voice deep and surprised, eyes roaming Louis’ body. There’s this tension in the room, of excitement and expectation.

Louis crawls back on the bed, places lube and condom on the sheets, and lightly strokes up Harry’s shins.

He lets his hands rub up Harry’s legs, all the way to his thighs. He strokes his fingertips up and down a few times, just to watch the muscle ripple under Harry’s skin, and spreads them a bit further apart.

He leans down to place soft kisses all up the inside of Harry’s thigh. He licks up a stripe as he gets closer to Harry’s cock, and rips out a delicious moan from Harry’s throat.

”I’m gonna take such good care of you, baby,” he says and casts a look up to find Harry barely moving, watching Louis’ every move, eyes wide and pupils blown with arousal.

Then he grabs Harry’s cock and without further warning leans down to suckle lightly at the head.

Harry utters another moan in surprise, and Louis places a hand on his hip to keep him steady.

He drags his lips a bit further down Harry’s length and then pulls back up quickly.

Then he leans down to lick a stripe up from the base and all the way to the tip, before once again closing his lips around Harry. He repeats it a few times, just teasingly light suckles at Harry’s head, and when Louis tongues at his slit, Harry whimpers.

”Lou, please,” he breathes and Louis almost feels sorry for him.

He leans down and engulfs Harry’s length once more, this time going down as far as he can, without letting Harry touch the back of his throat just yet.

He keeps teasing Harry until he’s writhing and whimpering on the bed, weakly pushing his hips up to meet some kind of friction, but Louis pulls back every time.

”Impatient,” he mutters cheekily, and grabs the lube from the bed where he put it earlier.

”We’re getting there,” he says before squirting a dollop onto his palm and running a few fingers through it.

Harry breathes deeply and leans up on his elbows and a delicious flush climbs up his neck and cheeks as he sees Louis get up on his knees to prepare himself.

He reaches his hands forward to help, but Louis' bats them away. 

"Just enjoy it, baby," he breathes and presses a quick kiss to Harry's lips.

He swallows audibly and Louis turns around to really give him a show.

”Oh god,” Harry utters voice sounding to wrecked already and Louis doesn’t let show just how much it affects him hearing Harry’s voice like that.

He spreads his cheeks just a bit and slowly sticks in one finger. It’s been a while since he’s done this, but the sensation’s not too unpleasant and quickly adds another.

He fingers himself open slowly and steadily, basks in all the delicious noises Harry makes and bends over just a bit to give him a better view.

”Fuck Lou,” he says, voice so deep and gravelly, Louis might come just from his own fingers and that voice alone, and he doesn’t want that, not right now at least.

He adds another finger, just to calm himself a bit, the sting bringing him back down, and groans as he feels himself accommodate around it. He breathes deeply, scissors himself and twists and curls his fingers until he finds the right spot.

He moans, and feels Harry’s hands on his hips, keeping him steady.  

He twists his wrist to really reach it, and just keeps nudging that spot over and over, until he’s panting and wrist hurting from the uncomfortable angle.

He’s still bracketed by Harry’s open legs, and shuffles just a bit closer until Harry’s only a few inches away.

He stretches himself a bit more until he feels he’s ready, and pulls his fingers out, wipes off the lube on his sheets. He’ll clean them later. 

Harry looks like he’s right about ready to pass out and Louis reaches up to tweak his nipple, and clasps his other hand around Harry’s cock firmly, just to take the edge off.

Harry slams back onto the bed, fingers tightly gripping the sheets in surprise and he whimpers as Louis once again removes his hand.

Louis deems himself ready and rips open the condom.  

”You ready, baby?” he asks, and Harry just nods, desperate for Louis’ touch after having been on edge for so long, cock hard and flushed.

Louis pumps Harry’s length a few times before sliding the condom on, and slithers it up with lube.

He wants it to be good, and even though he was thorough with his fingers, it’s still been a while.

He pushes Harry’s legs together, and crawls up the bed, knees bracketing Harry’s hips.

Harry’s hands immediately reach up to grab at Louis’ hips, sliding gently up and down his tan thighs.

Louis positions himself above Harry’s cock, grabs a hold of it, and steers himself down.

Harry’s grib on Louis’ hips tightens, and he groans deeply as Louis slides down the tip of his cock.

He goes slow, so slow, down Harry’s length, both of their breaths laboured and strained. Louis is still grabbing Harry’s cock firmly, but releases once he is almost sitting firmly planted, cheeks covering Harry’s hard hipbones.

He allows himself a second to adjust to the feeling, eyes closed and mouth hanging open just a bit. Harry’s hands are tight around his hips, and Louis can hear his desperate attempt to calm his breath and not move too soon.

He leans up to meet Louis’ mouth in a deep kiss.

”You feel so good, baby, you have no idea,” he mumbles into Louis’ mouth, ending the sentence in a moan as Louis slowly stars moving on top of him.

He moves up and down, letting his thighs do most of the work, Harry’s hands gripping his hips so hard it’s definitely gonna show tomorrow.

He picks up speed and bounces up and down, leaning forward with his hands digging into Harry’s shoulders for balance.

Harry bends his legs to give Louis a better angle and meets his hips with deep thrusts.

He hits Louis prostate dead on, and Louis can’t help but moan out load.

Louis shoves at Harry’s legs below him, and stretches out behind himself to lean back on his hands, placed on Harry’s shins.

Harry swallows at the sight, Louis’ body all taut like a bow ready to fire, all sun-kissed and smooth skin.

He moves his hands up and down Louis’ thighs and hips, revelling in the smooth span of Louis’ skin stretched tight.

He’s picking up speed, moving his hips fast and sloppily, everything feeling so good and so much. Louis forces his eyes open to look at Harry completely falling apart beneath him, writhing in the sheets, and abs rippling to meet Louis’ bounces.

”So gorgeous,” Louis says, voice breathy and shaky from the thrusts.

Harry looks up at him at that, and grips Louis’ cock from where it’s standing out flushed from his stomach. He pumps it a few times, but Louis bats his hand away.

”Wanna come from your cock,” he breathes, and sets an even higher pace, Harry almost going cross eyed at how good it is.

”God, Lou,” he says, voice low and slams his head back onto the sheets.

Louis bounces in his lap and Harry’s arching his back to meet his thrusts, hitting Louis’ prostate dead on.

They both moan, and Louis drags at Harry’s shoulders to get him to sit up.

He looks wrecked, lips pink and his hair a mess.

Louis wraps his legs around Harry’s body, moving even closer together. Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ waist, holds him as close as possible.

They meet in a frantic kiss, mostly just teeth and tongues.

He thrusts upwards and licks up all the little breathy whimpers falling from Louis’ lips as he hits his prostate repeatedly.

Then Louis leans down to kiss at Harry’s throat, licking and biting, marking him.

He keeps bouncing tirelessly on Harry’s lap, both of their breaths getting laboured. Harry’s is groaning deeply in his throat, Louis moans Harry’s name like a chant over and over.

They kiss again, mouths colliding, and Louis drags his hands up into Harry’s hair. He runs his hands through it, and pulls where he knows Harry’s is particularly sensitive.

Harry’s thrusts are getting irregular, he breathes deeply with each thrust.

”Close,” Louis whimpers in Harry’s ear, Harry picks up the pace even more, giving it his all and pushes Louis’ over the edge.

His chin is tipped upwards and he grabs forcefully around Harry’s neck as he comes with a breathy moan between their sweat glistening bodies.

Harry is attached at his throat, mouthing and breathing his last few deep breaths before also coming, Louis clenching around his cock finally pushing him over the edge as well.

They ride it out together, even though they’re both sensitive, until Louis slowly lifts himself off Harry and helps him roll of the condom, ties it up and throws it somewhere on the floor.

Afterwards they both plop down on the bed, boneless and tired, but so blissed out and well fucked.

Harry closes his eyes as Louis cuddles up close on his shoulder, Harry’s arm sliding around him, pulling him even closer.

He smiles, and Louis presses a small kiss against his throat. He traces his fingers lightly on the smooth expanse of Harry’s chest, and Harry pulls the comforter up around them.

They exchange a few lazy kisses, both smiling so hard their eyes are crinkling at the corners.

And they fall asleep, warm, safe and protected in each other's arms.


End file.
